The Bachlorette
by Sol Sabre
Summary: A Christmas special! Kain sings the blood chilling Carol Bloody Wonderland, while the Bachlorette cast try to prepare for Christmas, tis funny, a must read!
1. The Bachlorette

If you do not have a sense of humor, turn back now. If you do have a sense of humor keep reading and prepare to enter the worst part of my mind…the comedy section.

?: …It is time… **SNAP!**

(Jenna, Mia and Sheba appear in a large concrete room.)

Jenna: Where the %@&* are we!? Huh a %$^&*#&^ censor? You gotta be kidding me!

?: …Attention those of the female persuasion!

(Jenna, Mia and Sheba Salute.)

Mia: Reporting for duty sir!

?: …Good…your mission is to infiltrate a reality show called "The Bachlorette" …we believe that it is the front for a top secret EVIL organization bent on world domination!

Sheba: (Blinks) Could you repeat that? (Sheba is a blond…nuff said.)

?: NO! **SNAP!**

Jenna: …What's that snapping noise?

?: Damn…**SNAP!** …**POW!**…ouchies…**THUMP**

(Jenna, Mia and Sheba shrug.)

**POOF!** (Odd guy with brown hair in white cargo pants, a white shirt, and sun glasses appears.)

Jenna: Ahhhhhhhh! A contemporary villain!

Odd Guy: I'm not a villian! Baka! I'm the author…Sol Sabre!

Sheba: Author? What's an Author?

Sol Sabre: A super powerful being who controls all he or she sees.

Sheba: How? You don't even have psynergy!

(Sol Sabre snaps fingers and Sheba is launched into the air like a friggin rocket.)

Sol Sabre: I'm an author! **SNAP** "Yo kiddos this is the disclaimer thingy it states that I don't own any Golden Sun stuff…however I do own author powers, so I own all that I see! **SNAP** Golden Sun is now mine! Mwehehehehehe! (Only in my dreams actually) Now on with the story!

(The girls and Sol are in a large fancy room with TV cameras and stuff.)

Jenna: Hey this looks like a reality TV show set.

Sol: -_-; (She dyed her hair…she must be a blond…)

Sol: Let me introduce you to the reality TV show…"The Bachlorette!"

Sheba: What's a bachlorette?

Sol: -_-; (Maybe my author powers could make her smarter? Nah…) **SNAP**

Sheba: …

Sheba: !!!

Jenna: What's wrong with Sheba?

Sol: She's a mute! ^_^

Mia: How could you do such a horrible thing to her!?

Sol: I can't stand her stupidity and if she can't talk I don't have to type as much! ^_^

Sheba: !!! (Bastard!)

Sol: **SNAP**

Sheba: (…#%!&)

Sol: Alright girls there are ten eligible men for you to choose from…you must spend one day with each of them, at the end of the ten day period four of them will be voted off…by the reviewers!

Jenna: Who are the men!?

Sol: First off my staff… my personal enforcer…Kain! (A guy in black with a mask and many sharp pointy objects steps in and does a little bow.)

Sol: Tell us about yourself Kain.

Kain: I enjoy causing immense pain through stabbing soft fleshy things with my swords…my favorite color is red…I love being mysterious and stabbing my comrades in the back multiple times when they least expect it.

Sol: Which is why he's my enforcer! I'll explain his duties later! Now my Co Host and fellow fan fiction author, Icy Cake!

(Girl with fiery red hair, crimson eyes, black shorts and a blue tank top walks in.)

Icy Cake: Hi everyone.

Sol: Tell us a little about yourself.

Icy Cake: I write really good fan fiction with ZERO spelling errors! ^_^ Unlike certain authors…

Sol: _ Grrrrrrrrr…

Icy Cake: I also burn those who piss me off with my flamethrower! (Pulls out flamethrower.)

Sol: 0_o! (Note to self…stay on her good side…)

Sol: And now the eligible bachelors! The best of em all! Felix!

Felix: Yo…

Jenna: Ohhh…he's my kinda guy! (Swoons)

Sol: He's also your brother…

Jenna: …I can still dream…(Faints)

Sol: -_-; Next up is the hero of the first Golden Sun game…Isaac!

Isaac: !!!

Sol: He's a mute too…(shrugs) Next up everyone's favorite idiot! Garret!

Garret: Help me! I set myself on fire! (Runs around burning…)

Sol: I'm not saying anything except that he's the perfect match for Sheba or Jenna! …Kids if you're on fire don't forget to stop drop and roll…Garret is setting a bad example by running around wildly and not doing so.

Garret: ARGH! IT BURNS!

Sol: Please also note that trying to set yourself out with Gasoline, Propane, Paint thinner or any other flammable liquid is not a good idea…now please welcome POW! POW! PICARD! (Random fan girls cheer wildly!)

Picard: Ahhhhhhhhh! Fan girls! (Runs away.)

Sol: …As you can see he has no trouble finding woman…now…Ivan the mighty midget!

Ivan: I'm not a midget!

Sol: Yes you are…now bug off until you reach puberty! …Now, no reality show would be complete without…the master of all bad and mysterious things…the coolest villain of em all! ALEX! (Alex fans burst through the doors trampling random people in a violent rampage.)

Sol: Alex has locked himself in the back room until we can get this under control…now the coolest warrior from Prox…please welcome Saturos!

Saturos: Yo! Wazzup! Look at all the lovely ladies! (Slicks back hair) hehehehehe…

Everyone: …

Sol: I'm seriously considering replacing him with Kain…(Hears screaming and begging in the back room.) That would be Kain torturing Alex…Saturos you can stay for now…

Saturos: Yay!

Sol: Now the ugliest man ever…Agatio!

Agatio: I AM NOT UGLY!

Sol: You look like a body builder…and what's worse is that you're in tights…

Agatio: These? (Lifts the little kilt like thingy.)

Sol: AHHHHHHH! MY EYES! IT BURNS! LOWER THE KILT!

Agatio: Sorry…(Drops kilt.)

Sol: (I think my eyes have been fused open…) That image will never leave my mind…(Looks at list) Next we have Menardi!

Menardi: I made it on the show! (Starts dancing.)

Sol: You're a female though…

Menardi: Only on the outside…

Sol: 0_o; Ummm…that explains an awful lot…next up it's the ruler of Tolbi, Babi.

(Iodem drags in a coffin and puts it in Babi's spot)

Iodem: It took awhile and a lot of perfume, but he smells nice now…

Sol: Oh yeah…he's dead… (Shrugs) Stick him in the freezer for now. Finally our most respected senior citizen…KRADEN!

Kraden: I may be old, but I'm not cold! Yo!

Sol: 0_o; You'll scare my readers away…

Kraden: Wasn't that the point?

Sol: No…(DAMN MY SICK MIND TO %#!!)

Sol: These are our contestants…the show starts next time! Now for some behind the scenes look at what our contestants are up to!)

**(The Females Dressing Room)**

Jenna: %&@ *&@*^* @%#$*$ %!$@#!!!

Sheba:!!!

Mia:I can't understand you two.

Menardi: Come here little girls… ^_^

(Mia shoves Sheba and Jenna at Menardi) Mia: Keep her busy! (Runs away)

Jenna: Ummm…stop staring at me like that!

Menardi: You smell like Fritos…

Jenna: So?

Menardi: That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare baby!

Jenna: 0_o! Help me…

**(The "SPECIAL HIGH SECURITY ROOM" aka the "BACK ROOM.")**

Sol: Alex.

Alex: …Stop the pain…

Sol: Kain opened the door didn't he?

Alex: Uh huh…

Sol: Hmmm…

Icy Cake: Alex! …Kain did this, didn't he?

(Alex and Sol nod.)

Icy Cake: I hope he's ready to burn! (Pulls out flamethrower and walks into the next room.)

Kain: Hi Icy Cake…what! AHHHHHHHHH IT BURNS! MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! ARRRRGH!

Sol: Keep him alive, I need him for the next chapter of "The Final Trial!"

Icy Cake: Fine…I'll give him second degree burns and call it good!

**(The Male's dressing room)**

(Isaac and Garret are stuffing Ivan into a small box.)

Ivan: Don't put me in the box!

Garret:Hehehehe…

Ivan: HELP!

Isaac: ^_^ (Tapes his mouth shut and closes the box.)

Garret: Lets stuff him in a locker!

Isaac: ^_^

(They stuff "Ivan in a box" into a locker and leave. Saturos walks in a hears muffled screams from the box.)

Saturos: Hmmm… (Uses Pyroclasm to launch the screaming box into orbit.)

Saturos: Hehehe…

**(Space)**

Ivan in a box: I don't wanna be a midget!

Picard: Yo! Box!

Ivan in a box: What are you doing here Piers?

Picard: It's Picard!

Ivan still in the box: Sorry…hey could you let me out?

Picard: Sure! (Opens box and Ivan gets sucked out into space.)

Picard: Oh…sucks to be him.

**(Coffee Room)**

(Sol and Icy Cake are sitting around doing nothing.)

Icy Cake: Shouldn't you be working on the next chapter?

Sol: I don't have enough energy to write more…

Icy Cake: Well have some coffee!

Sol: I've never had coffee… (Takes cup and downs it in one gulp.)

Sol: Hmmmmmm… 0_0 WOOT IMSOFRIGGINWIRED!WOW! ICANSEETWOOFYOU!AWSOME!

Icy Cake: -_-; Bad idea on my part…

Sol: (Running around the room causing a small tornado with winds clocked up to 200 mile per hour. "YA!THEBABOONISAFTERME!HELPMEICYCAKE!

Icy Cake: …

Sol: IGOTTAGOIMGETTINGMYWISDOMTEETHREMOVED!IMIGHTNOTBEABLETOUPADATE FORAWHILECAUSETHEREGONNADOPEMEUPONPAINKILLERS!WEEEEEEEEEEE!

Icy Cake: For those of you who don't know what he said he's having his wisdom teeth torn out of his face and he's gonna be on pain killers so he might not update for awhile…

Sol: REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! WEEEEEEEEEEE!

Icy Cake: -_-; (Pulls out a tranquilizer gun) Stop moving for a sec Sol!

Sol: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Icy Cake: Also if you review you get the opportunity to appear in the fic! Review then send an email to Sol Sabre and he will get back to you!


	2. Full Cavity Search!

Icy Cake: Welcome to the reality show that will drive you out of your mind…"The Bachlorette!" Sol's had his wisdom teeth removed, so I'll be speaking for him today! ^_^

Sol: (His face is swollen and he has a look of absolute misery on his face.) Mmph…

Icy Cake: ^_^ Aww…Kawaii! Isn't he cute when he's in intense physical pain? (Slaps his cheek...hard.)

Sol: Grrrrrrrrrrr…

Icy Cake: Oh you're cute when you're angry too! ^_^ Like a vicious little animal!

Sol: … -_-; …

Icy Cake: ^_^ Hehe…the pain killers wore off awhile ago… Now we look at the reviews…then we start the show! ^_^

_Rabid Jenna Fan…Sol and I both agree that Sheba is stupid! Felix is cool…his sister…is…ummm…unique!_

_Mr. Me…Felix will speak more later…as for the wisdom tooth thing…he's over it! Kinda…not really…_

_Anonymous…glad you like it! Sol didn't expect so many reviews…he was surprised!_

_Enigma…Sol wants to congratulate you for giving him the shortest review ever! Congratulations Enigma!_

_Yoshimi Takahashi…Hehe Sol's gonna get tortured more than anyone else! I bother him every chapter! Admittedly a guest will face some…interesting situations…_

_Shadowthewindadept…Sol says that the Menardi thing popped into his head awhile back…Menardi's a women…maybe…_

_Wishstar…Picard is more popular so he will be one of the later appearances. And Sol's glad you like Kain, he's an original character from his other GS fic "The Final Trial"…check it out if you haven't already!_

Sol: …mmph…

Icy Cake: Be quite, Kawai Sou!

Sol: _ Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

Icy Cake: ^_^ I love insulting him in Japanese! Now on with the show!

(Icy Cake and everyone else except Sol, Alex, Kain and Ivan are in the big fancy room…again.)

Jenna: Where's Sol?

Icy Cake: Looking for Ivan…he got sucked into a black hole a few hours ago…Sols gonna bring him back! ^_^

Kraden: That's impossible, a black hole would crush them into individual atoms!

Icy Cake: …Sol ignores the laws of the universe! Now our pairings for today are…Jenna and Garet!

Jenna: I wanted Felix!

Icy Cake: …Everyone wants Felix… -_-; Even his own sister…sorry Jenna but this fic needs to abide by the laws of decency…that means romantic relationships between you and your brother on the show are banned!

Jenna: But Garets an idiot!

Icy Cake: Doesn't matter…the script was written by Sol, and he specifically said to pair you with Garet for today.

Jenna: &%!*

Icy Cake: However Garet's in the hospital recovering from third degree burns…and he's in a coma! ^_^

Jenna: Really! ^_^ Okay I'll stay with Garet!

Icy Cake: Now Mia is paired with…Saturos!

Mia: But…

Icy Cake: No buts, you're spending the day with Saturos!

Saturos: I'm a piping hot kettle of love baby!

Mia: I think I'm gonna be sick…

Icy Cake: Finally Sheba and Agatio!

Sheba: …

Agatio: Alright! (Does a dance that shakes the room with enormous tremors.)

Icy Cake: Stop dancing Agatio! …By the way, why do you wear those tights?

Agatio: These? They bring out my figure…see! (Lifts kilt.)

Icy Cake: ARRRRRRGH! MY VIRGIN EYES!

Agatio: …

Sheba: ? (Takes a peek…and faints.)

Icy Cake: MY EYES! I'VE BEEN BLINDED!

Agatio: Sorry… (Drops kilt.)

Icy Cake: THE IMAGE IS BURNED INTO MY BRAIN! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Starts clawing at her face.)

Sheba: (Wakes up.) !!!…"LOVE!"

(Sol appears in a flash of light with a small can of soda and a vial.)

Sol: ~Big Goron's Eye drops! Heal anything!~ ^_^

Icy Cake: …You're speaking into my mind?

Sol: ~I'm a Jupiter adept, now take the friggin vial so I can fix Ivan!~ (Holds up soda can that says "Ivan cell sample." on the side.)

(Icy Cake uses eye drops) Much better! …That's Ivan? 0_o?

Sol: ~Uh huh…excuse me for a moment…I need to…fix him.~ (Disappears)

Everyone: …

Ivan fan girls: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! OUR PRECIOUS LITTLE BABY!

Icy Cake: Forget about the fan girls…each of you must spend a day with each other. Jenna you need to take Garet out for a romantic night in Tolbi. Mia and Saturos need to spend time talking about themselves…sharing stories and such. Sheba you need to take Agatio shopping for some better pants! Something that hides… (Shudders) I can't get it out of my mind…just take him shopping while I try to burn this image from my mind.

Contestants: Okay!

Icy Cake: Wait a sec, Sol left a note…oh you need to kiss at the end of the day…

Jenna: NO!

Mia: …By Alchemy's light, say it isn't so…

Sheba: ^_^

Icy Cake: Oh, a note for Sheba. "You must kiss Agatio on the lips! Nowhere else!

Sheba: T_T

Icy Cake: What did he mean? … 0_o! EWWWWWWWWWWW! The thought of it! That's just DIRTY!

Sheba: …

Icy Cake: Damn Sol for having such an active imagination…get going, I don't want to look at you anymore!

(Everyone leaves)

Icy Cake: (Picks up telephone) Hello, I need a lot of booze and four bottles of anti depressant medication…

**(The Hospital)**

(Garet's wrapped up like a mummy, with only his hair poking out from the bandages.)

Jenna: A night on the town…first we need to get you ready! (Smiles evilly.) This is going to be fun! ^_^

Jenna: First a hair cut! (Try's to cut Garet's hair with some scissors but it won't cut.)

Jenna: Must be all the hair gel…oh well I guess I need to burn it off! ^_^

**FWOOSH! SNAP! CRACKLE!**

(Garet is now bald…his head is also slightly scorched…but that's no big deal!)

Jenna: (Pulls out a big can of wax.) You're way to hairy Garet! ^_^ But I'll take care of that!

(Jenna lifts sheet.)

(Jenna turns very red…and drops the sheet)

Jenna: …Ummm…it was an accident…

(Lifts sheet again.) ^_^

**(Top Secret Observation Room.)**

(Sol and Icy Cake are watching perverted Jenna through a hidden camera)

Sol: -_-; …

Icy Cake: (Also bright red with embarrassment.)

Sol: ^_^ (Pulls out a camera and snaps a picture of Icy Cake.)

Icy Cake: HEY! GIVE THAT HERE RIGHT NOW!

Sol: ~In your dreams maybe…~ (Runs away with Icy Cake close behind.)

Sol: ~Remember kids…treasure the moment, with a digital photo!!~ ^_^

Icy Cake: Don't you DARE think of posting that on the Internet or I'm gonna make you wish you hadn't been born!

Sol: ~Also remember that some things are worth the risk!~ ^_^

**(The story room.)**

Mia: …

Saturos: …

Mia: Where do we start?

Saturos: She said to tell each other things about ourselves…

Mia: You go first!

Saturos: Okay! …I have Super Man on my underpants!

Mia: -_-;

Saturos: Your turn!

Mia: …I…have Wonder Woman on mine…

Saturos: WOW! We're practically soul mates! How many people do you know that wear super hero underwear?

Mia: Few… ^_^

Saturos: ^_^ Lets do our hobbies!

Mia: Okay!

Saturos: I like setting things on fire and stabbing people with my sword!

Mia: I like swimming!

Saturos: I like wet water adepts in bikinis!

Mia: …You're walking a fine line buddy!

Saturos: Sorry…

**(Shopping Mall)**

Agatio: Tell me about yourself Sheba…

Sheba: ^_^ … … ….. …… ….!

Agatio: 0_o; Ummm…

Sheba: ^_^ (Holds up a pair of loose jeans.)

Agatio: I was hoping for something more villainous…

Sheba: ^_^ (Holds up tight leather pants, a leather jacket and a pair of sun glasses.)

Agatio: I'll try it. (Steps into dressing room. Screams are heard and Agatio runs out.)

Agatio: Are there any single rooms?

Sheba: … (Points to a dressing room marked "Only for those who induce screams of horror in public dressing rooms.")

Agatio: Okay! (Runs in and comes out looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sheba hands him a shotgun completing the look.)

Agatio: I'm starting to think you have a fetish…

Sheba: ^_^

**(Tolbi.)**

(Jenna dragging Garets unconscious body down the street, purposely bashing him into objects along the way.)

Jenna: Here we are! The Olive Garden! Stay here Garet! (Drops him in the middle of the road and runs inside.)

**SCREEEEEECH! SPLAT! THUMP!** (Insert sounds of a rolling body here…)

Jenna: Garet! (Sees Garets mangled body in a dumpster.) I told you to stay in the road! …Men are such idiots…except Felix! (Swoons)

Random GS fan: Isn't he your brother!?

Jenna: Yeah! So what!?

Random GS fan: …Your nasty!

Jenna: I AM NOT! (Jenna used Serpent Fume on Random GS fan. Random GS fan is extra crispy and slightly scorched!)

Random GS fan: …It…it…burns…

Jenna: You're still alive? (Uses Serpent Fume again.)

Random GS Fan: **SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!**

Jenna: Much better! (Drags Garet into the Olive Garden.)

Jenna: I want a table!

Waiter: You will need to wait a moment until that family finishes their son's birthday party. (Points at a kid and his parents who are about to serve a cake.)

Jenna: Oh…SERPENT FUME!

**FWOOSH! KABOOM! **MOMMY! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Jenna: They're done, now give me the table!

Waiter: 0_o! Of course! Follow me!

Garet: Hmm…where am I?

Jenna: You're awake?

Garet: Who am I?

Jenna: …You don't know your name?

Garet: What's a name?

Jenna: -_-; Amnesia mixed with natural stupidity…great…

**(Back at the mall)**

Cashier: That will be 10000 gold pieces.

Agatio: What!? What if I take off this cell phone?

Cashier:5000…

Agatio: Alright. (Puts the cell phone down on the shelf.) Lets pay for this and be done with it…

Sheba: T_T

Agatio: I know you wanted a cell phone/TV/Dishwasher/Laser Cannon but I can't afford it right now!

Sheba: T_T

(Agatio pays the cashier and they begin to walk out of the mall."

Cashier: Huh? Where'd the phone go? (Pulls out his own cell phone and dials a number.)

**RIIIIIING!**

Agatio: ? (Turns to see Sheba frantically trying to keep the cell phone hidden in her blouse from ringing and vibrating wildly.)

Cashier: There she is! It's in her blouse!

Sheba: … ~-~;

Agatio: Here's the phone. (Hands cashier the phone.)

Cashier: I'm afraid we need to do a full cavity search! (Guards appear all around them.)

Agatio: A cavity search?

Cashier: Search all their orifices! Leave no hole unchecked!

Sheba & Agatio: 0_0!

**(They're dragged into a concrete room.)**

Cashier: Stay very still…this won't take long! (Puts on a rubber glove.)

Agatio: Wait I can… O.O!

Sheba: 0_o!

Cashier: The girl next!

Sheba: 0.0!

**(The story room)**

Saturos: Then Menardi hit me with the boat oar again, and again, and again…

Mia: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Saturos: And again, and again, and again…

Mia: **THUMP** ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ………………………………

Saturos: Have you ever been slapped with a boat oar?

Mia: ZZZZZZZZ…Hmmm? Ummmmm…no.

Saturos: You should try it! Its really quite fun!

Mia: 0_o…

**(The Olive Garden.)**

Garet: What do I do with this cheese grater again?

Jenna: You scrape it against your face!

Garet: Okay! (Starts scraping his face with the cheese grater.) Ouch, Ouch, Ouch…this hurts lady…

Jenna: Here dump this on your cuts. (Gives Garet 100% alcohol concentrate.)

Garet: Okay! (Dumps it on his face.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT STINGS! (Starts tearing at his face with both hands.)

Jenna: He may be stupid…but this was definitely worth it… ^_^

**(Control Room)**

(Sol is still working on fixing Ivan.)

Sol: ~This is taking too long!~ **SNAP**

**POOF!** (Ivan appears.)

Ivan: …

Icy Cake: Is he the same Ivan?

Ivan: I'm not a midget!

Sol: ^_^ …!…

Sol: T_T

Icy Cake: He forgot that he couldn't smile! ^_^

Sol: Grrrrrrr…

Icy Cake: Awwww…look he's growling again! ^_^

Sol: -_-;

Icy Cake: Hehehe…

(Sol holds up his digital camera.)

Icy Cake: You post that picture and you'll wish the dentist had giving you morphine!

Sol: …

Icy Cake: Okay the days up, all contestants please return to the "Fancy Room" immediately.

**(The Fancy Room)**

Icy Cake: All right lets see what we have here…a note from the doctor saying that Garet is in the hospital again, for new injuries… (Shrugs) Did you kiss him Jenna?

Jenna: Nope! ^_^

Icy Cake: …What about you Mia?

Mia: Nope!

Icy Cake: Sheba? (Looks around and dosent see her or Agatio.) Where're Sheba and Agatio?

Cashier: They have been detained for a full cavity search!

Sol: O_O!

Icy Cake: What's a cavity search?

Everyone: … (Crickets chirp in the background.)

Icy Cake: …Alright then, Jenna and Mia, prepare for your punishment!

Jenna & Mia: Punishment!?

Icy Cake: Yes…you must…(Looks at list) 0_o! Ewwwwwww…Sol!

Sol: ^_^ …! **SNAP!**

Sol: (Falls on the floor tears pouring down his face.)

Icy Cake:Hehehe…he broke his stitches! ^_^

Sol: T_T

Icy Cake: MIa you need to sleep with Babi in the freezer tonight…

Mia: Ewwwwwwwwwww!

Icy Cake: Jenna you get to spend the night with…0_0! …Kraden…

Everyone: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Icy Cake: All contestants must go to bed now…be up early tomorrow for the next challenge! Oh by the way, reviewers please pick one of the three men that appeared on the show today to be voted off. Your choices are Garet, Saturos and Agatio! The one with the most votes gets kicked off the show!

Sol: ^_^ **SNAP! RIP!**

Sol: T_T!

Icy Cake: Hehe…time for a behind the scenes look at everyone!

**(The Freezer.)**

Mia: This sucks! (Shivers) I have to spend my night with a stiff!

Babi: …

Mia: Shut up Babi!

**(Kradens Bungalow.)**

Kraden: Come here cutie!

Jenna: Get away from me, you dirty old man!

Kraden: This old dog has plenty of life in him! ~_^

Jenna: O.O; GET ME OUTTA HERE!

**(Mall-The Concrete Room.)**

Agatio: OoO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sheba: 0o0! ……………………………!

Cashier: Deeper!

Agatio: NO DEEPER!****

**(The Hospital.)**

Icy Cake: How are you doing Alex?

Alex: Fine…Sol kept the place sealed up tight from fan girls…

Icy Cake: Good…excuse me for a minute. (Walks into next room.)

Voice: Please don't hurt me! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE PAIN! NO! MY ARM DOSENT BEND THAT WAY! **SNAP!** ARGH!

Icy Cake: Hehehehehehe!

Voice: NO NOT MY RIBS! **CRACK!** **SNAP! CRUNCH!** ARGH! **THUMP**

Alex: Poor Kain… (Shrugs) better him than I…

**(Coffee Room)**

(Sol's sitting alone, swallowing painkillers and penicillin.)

Sol: ~Fate hates me…oh, hi there…I'm still recovering from my open mouth surgery, so accept my apologies if this chapter seems…odd. The fact that a dentist drilled holes in my head has left me…distracted, and the painkillers have warped my mind... I'll try to update soon, but it might need to wait until later in the week. Now vote for the character I should kick off! Remember Garet, Saturos and Agatio are the choices!~ ^_^

**SNAP!**

Sol: T_T ~I hate my life…~


	3. When a man is a woman

Kain: Hi everyone! Welcome to the third installment of the Bachlorette!

Random Reviewer: Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital!?

Kain: …My bones knit quickly…

Random Reviewer: I don't believe you!

Kain: ^_^ (Waves hand.) **KABOOM!**

Random Reviewer: **SIZZLE**

Kain: Anyway Sol and Icy Cake have disappeared, so I'm running the show today!

Felix: …That's not good…

Kain: I don't know what you mean! ^_^ Anyway first we look at the reviews!

_Destinyofthepast…well Garets off the show…no stand aside or I'lll hurt you too!_

_Icy Cake…congratulations you have thoroughly pissed of Sol…_

_Kevin C…Sol is thrilled that you like the story…and sorry but Saturos stays!_

_Yoshimi Takahashi…Hehe congrats you helped to get Garet off the show…that doesn't mean his suffering will end though!_

_Shadowthewindadept…Ah you hate Jenna…don't worry everyone will feel the pain!_

_Enigma…Lets see (Kain grabs the pain killer bottle) he's on Vicodin…why?_

Kain: Hmmm…Okay by popular demand Garet has been voted off the show!

Garet fans: Yay! You can't hurt him anymore!

Kain: Oh really? Take him out back and give him to Kraden!

Everyone: …?

Garet: NO! (Garet is taken outside…screaming and the sounds of a cracking whip are heard through the door.)

Kain: ^_^ You don't really think that I'm that nice…do you? Anyway the pairings for today are…

(Kain pauses as screaming and shouting is heard. Sol burst through the door followed by Icy Cake whose hair has been dyed bright purple.)

Icy Cake: GET BACK HERE YOU CREEP!

Sol: YEAH RIGHT! I'M NOT STUPID!

Kain: Actually Sol you made a bet with Icy Cake…

Sol: So what?

Kain: You bet that wouldn't make any spelling mistakes in the last chapter…you lost that bet…

Sol: Yeah…maybe I did…

Kain: The terms were that she could do whatever she wanted to you.

Sol: -_-; Me and my big mouth…

Icy Cake: Come on Sol! (Grabs Sol by the collar of his shirt and begins to drag him away.)

Sol: What are you gonna do to me!?

Icy Cake: ^_^ It involves public humiliation and a lot of pain!

Sol: Eep!

(Everyone watches Icy Cake drag Sol into the room that Garet was dragged into. They hear Sol and Icy Cake through the door.)

Sol: If I apologize will you let me go?

Icy Cake: …Maybe…if you tell me what else you've been doing.

Sol: …You know that picture?

Icy Cake: Yeah…

Sol: I edited it with Photoshop.

Icy Cake: _; In what way!?

Sol: I cut off your head and put it on a bikini clad body of Britney Spears…

Icy Cake _ (Insert the sound or a time bomb ticking here.) Then what!?

Sol: …I posted it on the Internet…

Icy Cake: THAT'S IT! FORGET HUMILTIATION! YOU HAVE JUST SENTENCED YOURSELF TO A LOT OF PAIN!

Sol: NO! NOT THE FLAMETHROWER! **FWOOSH!** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT BURNS!

Icy Cake: MESS WITH ME HUH!? I'LL SHOW YOU!

Sol: AHHHHHHHHHHH! THE PAIN!

Kain: …Sucks to be him… ^_^

Felix: He created you! Don't you feel any sympathy!?

Kain: …No… ^_^ Why should I?

Felix: …You're evil…

Kain: ^_^ Thank you!

Felix: …I'm not having any effect on you…am I?

Sol: ARGH! NO MORE! THE PAIN!

(Kain pulls out a tape record and walks into the room he comes back in smiling.)

Felix: What's was that?

Kain: The screaming is so beautiful…I couldn't help recording it for later! ^_^ (Wipes a tear from his eye.)

Felix: …YOU"RE SICK!

Kain: I know…now the pairings for today are… (Looks at paper.) Ummmm…where're are the girls?

Felix: Mia's in the freezer with Babi, Jenna's in Kraden Bungalow and Sheba and Agatio still haven't returned from the mall.

Kain: Felix! Picard! Attention!

Felix & Picard: (Salute.) YES SIR!

Kain: (Pulls out two envelopes and hands one to each of them.) Felix give this list to Jenna, Picard give this one to Mia they have the pairings on them. I'm going to the mall to find Sheba and Agatio! Whatever you do don't open those envelopes! Sol took special precautions in sealing them!

Felix & Picard: YES SIR! (They run off.)

Kain: Hey midget!

Ivan: I'm not a midget!

Kain: **SNAP!** (Ivan shrinks to the size of a pea.)

Ivan: HEY! TURN ME BACK!

Kain: You're too noisy! **SPLAT!** (Steps on Ivan.)

Kain: There! (Walks into the Control Room to find Icy Cake slapping Sol's poor face with a baseball bat. Sol is also slightly scorched and bleeding all over the place...)

Icy Cake: **WHAP! WHAP!** Oh! Hi Kain!

Kain: Hi Icy Cake…nice hair by the way.

Icy Cake: Keep your mouth shut unless you want to end up like him! (Points at Sol who is moaning in pain.)

Kain: Actually I think it looks nice…

Icy Cake: …Really?

Kain: No.

Icy Cake: Stay right there! Once I'm done with Sol you're next!

Kain: Actually I need to find Sheba and Agatio…do you have any idea where they are?

Icy Cake: I went to the mall earlier today…I thought I heard screaming through the wall.

Kain: Huh…thanks. (Kain warps away.)

Sol: Ouchies…

Icy Cake: Oh you're conscience! Good this is the best part!

Sol: PLEASE KILL ME!

Icy Cake: Your author powers keep you alive…sorry. ^_^ I could do anything to you and you wouldn't die.

Sol: ……Can I have my painkillers?

Icy Cake: Nope!

Sol: Maybe I can will myself to die…

**(The Freezer)**

Picard: Hello! Mia are you here?

MURPH!

Picard: What was that? (Opens Babi's coffin.) O_O! MIA!?

Mia: Hi Picard!

Picard: O_O

Mia: What's wrong?

Picard: How long have you been in there?

Mia: All night…why?

Picard: (Vomits.)

Mia: What?

Picard: You slept with a dead man!

Mia: Is there something wrong with that?

Picard: …**URK!**

Mia: -_-; I don't know what your problem is.

**(Kradens Bungalow)**

Felix: Jenna! Where are you!?

Kraden: Felix my boy! Is that you?

Felix: Is my sister here?

Kraden: Yes! She locked herself in the bathroom last night and refused to come out.

Felix: May I come in?

Kraden: Of course! (Opens door.)

(Felix walks in…stuff is strewn about all over the place and Kraden is in a bikini swimsuit.

Felix: O_O! **URK!**

Kraden: What's wrong Felix?

Jenna: FELIX! (Runs out of the bathroom only to run into Kraden and land on a heap on the floor.)

Kraden: Ah! Hello my dear!

Jenna: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! FELIX! GET HIM OFF OF ME!

Felix: (Looks at his sister and Kraden who are on the floor together.) OoO **BLARGH!**

**(The Mall)**

(Kain's walking down the Mall corridors.)

Kain: Where are they!?

Cashier: Are you looking for someone sir?

Kain: Yes I'm looking for a short girl with blond hair, she's a stupid mute. I'm also looking for a tall man with pointy hair and a pair of tights.

Cashier: Oh…well your lucky we just finished their cavity search!

Kain: Cavity search? …What did they do?

Cashier: Shop lifting.

Kain: Did they scream?

Cashier: Yes…

Kain: Do you have a recording?

Cashier: Yes! It'll cost twenty bucks though!

Kain: _ (Waves hand and cashier undergoes spontaneous combustion.) I'll just take the recording for free… ^_^ I love being a super powerful mystery man! (Picks up microphone.) Sheba and Agatio please report to the Cashier desk with the burning human silhouette immediately.

**(The Fancy Room)**

Felix: Here we are Jenna! Lets see what the pairing is today. (Opens envelope and a puff of smoke burst into his face.)

Felix: Huh? What was that?

**POOF!**

Felix: What happened? I feel funny…

Jenna: Fe Fe Fe FELIX!

Felix: WHAT?

Jenna: YOU'RE A GIRL!

Felix: WHAT!? (Looks down to find that he is indeed a female.)

Felix: WHA!? WHAT THE!?

Picard: I see you opened the envelope too…

Felix: PICARD!? (Picard is also a female.)

Jenna: (Faints.)

Felix and Picard: -_-;

**POW!** (Kain appears with Sheba and Agatio.)

Kain: O_O! What? We only had three females! Who are you?

Felix: You don't recognize us?

Kain: No…wait…why are you wearing Felix's clothing? Are you a cross dresser?

Felix: NO! I'M FELIX!

Kain: …No one told me that you were a drag queen…

Felix: I'm not a drag queen! Picard and I opened the envelopes and we got turned into girls!

Kain: (Carefully picks up on of the envelopes and looks inside.) The pairings are…

Everyone: …

Kain: …

Kain: Mia and Felix…

Felix: O.O!

Mia: ^_^;

Kain: Jenna and Picard…

Jenna: T_T I wanted Felix!

Picard: Jenna not only is he your brother he's also a women!

Jenna: So?

Everyone: -_-;

Kain: Sheba and…Ivan…

Sheba: ^_^

Kain: Ummm… (Scrapes Ivan off his boot and sticks him in a tissue.) Here's Ivan…take him out to dinner or something.

Sheba: O.O;

Kain: Alright…Felix and Mia need to go for a romantic night on the beach.

Felix: O.O;

Kain: Jenna and Picard need to go on a romantic cruise…

Picard: -_-;

Jenna: I still want Felix!

Kain: Sheba and Ivan…um…you were supposed to dance this evening…

Ivan: (Insert squishy sounds here.)

Sheba: …

Kain: Okay everyone! Off you go! Remember you must kiss your partner or you will be punished!

Everyone: Ewwwwwwwwwww…

Kain: ^_^ I'm going to see how Sol and Icy Cake are doing!

**(The Beach)**

Mia: I brought a swimsuit for you Felix. (Hands him a tight bikini.)

Felix: You expect me to wear this!?

Mia: Either wear that or go out in your trunks…

Felix: …ALRIGHT I"LL GET IN THE BIKINI!

**(Cruise Ship)**

Innocent little boy: Mommy looks at those girls!

Protective mother: Don't mind them…

Picard: I'm not a girl! I'm a boy!

Jenna: Shut up you idiot! Everyone will think we're weird!

Innocent little boy: Mommy that girl thinks she's a guy!

Picard: But I am a guy!

Protective mother: Don't talk that around my baby! (Smacks Picard with her purse.)

Picard: Ouch! (Leaps on the protective mother and a fight starts.)

Jenna: CAT FIGHT! WOOT! (Jumps in.)

Everyone: Cat fight! (All the women start fighting while the men cheer on their favorites.)

**(Torture Room.)**

Sol: Owwwwwwwwwwwwww…

Icy Cake: That will teach you to dye my hair purple!

Kain: This is beautiful! (Pulls out a video camera and starts taping Sol's torture.)

Sol: ~I want to be in my happy place…~ (Blacks Out.)

Icy Cake: Awwwwwwwwww…

Kain: _ Wake him up I want more screams of pain!

**(The Fancy Room)**

Ivan: **SQUISH!**

Sheba: …

(Sheba kisses Ivan's squished form…)

Sheba: 0_o! **COUGH! COUGH!**

(Sheba accidentally swallows Ivan…)

**(The Beach.)**

Mia: How do we start a romantic evening on the beach Felix?

Felix: …A kiss?

Mia: BUT YOU'RE A GIRL!

Felix: Only on the outside!

Mia: Fine… (They pucker up.)

(…They kiss…)

**POW!**

(Felix is back to normal…except he's still wearing that skimpy bikini…)

Felix: (Is turning very, very, very red.)

Mia: (Has instantly fallen in love with him.)

All other occupants of the beach: …

Mia: You look good in that bikini Felix!

Felix: ^_^; Ummm…thanks…

**(The Cruise Ship)**

Picard: I AM A MAN!

Random Man: I think it's that time of the month again…

Jenna: Go Picard!

Innocent little boy: Get her mommy!

Catholic Priest: Come here my child.

Innocent little boy: Mommy said not to talk to strange catholic priest.

Catholic Priest: …It was worth a shot…

**(The Fancy Room)**

Sheba: **COUGH! COUGH!** …gasp…wheeze…

**(Torture Room)**

Sol: ~This is boring…~

Icy Cake: Oh really? (Pulls out an envelope.)

Sol: O_O! NO WAY!

Icy Cake: Hehehehehe…

**POOF!**

Sol: …

Icy Cake: …It's not working…

Sol: ^_^

**POOF! RIP!**

Icy Cake: 0o0! AHHHHHHHHH!

Sol: O_O! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?

Icy Cake: I'm really sorry Sol!

Sol: GRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I'm gonna make you wish you were never born Icy Cake!

(Icy Cake starts running with Sol close behind.)

Sol: GET BACK HERE!

Icy Cake: It's a nice change Sol, honest!

Sol: I'm gonna tear you ta pieces Icy Cake!

Icy Cake: O_O! I am so outta here!

Kain: (Watches Icy Cake run like hell with Sol close behind.) …Well…THAT was unexpected… (Checks the clock.)

Kain: Oh! Times up everyone return to the "Fancy Room!"

**(The Fancy Room)**

Sheba: (Her face has turned blue and her body is ice cold.)

Kain: Hmmm… (Kicks her in the stomach!)

Sheba: Cough! (Spits out Ivan.) … ^_^;

Kain: Where is everyone else?

Picard & Jenna: Here we are! (Both of them are covered in bruises and cuts…)

Kain: What about Felix and Mia?

Felix & Mia: Were here! (Felix is out of the bikini and back into his normal clothing.)

Kain: You broke the spell?

Felix: Yep!

Kain: …Alright…the final test! Jenna did you kiss Picard?

Jenna: My lips are for my true love. (Looks at Felix and swoons.)

Kain: Sheba?

Sheba: ^_^;

Kain: …What about you Mia?

Felix: We…errrrrrr…

Mia: We kissed.

Kain: ^_^ Really…before or after Felix changed back into a man?

Felix: Ummmm…after.

Kain: You're lying!

Felix: -_-;

Kain: But you won't be punished! Jenna and Picard! You are sentenced to public humiliation! …Oh you're also sentenced to a cavity search and a visit to Kraden…

Jenna & Picard: T_T

Jenna: I thought you loved me Felix! How could you kiss that little tramp!?

Felix: …(Shrugs.)

Jenna: MEN!

Kain: Alright off with you!

Kain: Alright now it's time for another behind the scenes look at the show! (Getting monotonous, huh?)

**(Kradens Bungalow)**

Kraden: Yay two pretty females! I have some new potions I want to experiment with, and you two will be perfect for my experiments!

Jenna & Picard: O_O!

**(The Men's Room)**

(Saturos is looking through the other guy's lockers.)

Saturos: Hmmm…I wonder what Felix keeps in here? (Opens Felix's locker.)

Saturos: 0_o? You gotta be kidding me! (Pulls out Mia's bikini!)

Saturos: Felix is a woman? …Hehe no wonder I find him so attractive…

**(The Freezer)**

Babi: …

Iodem: Don't worry my love I shall return!

Babi: …… (Translation: GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK!)

**(The Lady's Room)**

Sheba: …

(Opens her locker and pulls out a pair of Agatio's tights.)

Sheba: "LOVE!" ^_^

**(The Control Room.)**

(Kain is listening to a recording of various people screaming in pain.)

Kain: I love life… ^_^

(Icy Cake runs into the room and slams the door behind her.)

Icy Cake: Kain, help me!

Kain: Why should I? You're always mean to me!

Icy Cake: I'll never hurt you again! I promise! Just keep Sol busy!

Kain: …Nah…hearing your screams of pain when he catches you will be more satisfying!

Icy Cake: **GULP**

**(Undisclosed Location)**

(Its really dark so you can't see anything.)

Sol: I AM GONNA MAKE HER PAY!

Sol: …Huh…Oh…hi there. ^_^; As you can see I can talk now…I'm still on my pain medication though! …You know the surgery was actually pretty fun, it's the recovery part that sucks…I wish I could go back in time and do it over again! ^_^ Now excuse me while I hunt down Icy Cake! _ Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…she will PAY!


	4. Total Violation!

Authors Note: Okay, first off I'm sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I have been helping a friend of my family recently. Her husband abandoned her and left with all the money...leaving her with an apartment full of his crap and no money to hire anyone to take it to Buffalo New York. (Damn Bastard…) Anyway I have been helping her move stuff out of her apartment sense she gets kicked out on Friday, so I have had little time to type. Second notice, this chapter is focused on me…in fact its sole purpose is to humiliate me… ^_^ Of course other odd things happen as well…to the Bachlorettes… (BIG WARNING! MENARDI MAKES HER DEBUTE AS A TRUE VILLIAN AND I MAKE MYSELF LOOK LIKE A FOOL! TURN BACK IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE HOW LOW I CAN GO!)

Kain: The Bachlorette! Forth installment! Warning this chapter is rated triple H for major humiliation of multiple characters and the author!

Icy Cake: Hi everyone! (Looks around nervously.) Sol's after me right now so I'm going to leave Kain in charge again!

Kain: Why thank you Icy Cake…now the parings for today are…where are the pairings?

**KRAKA BOOM!**

Kain:  -_-; What was that?

Icy Cake: I dunno…

(The room grows really dark.)

Kain: Freaky…

Icy Cake: …Protect me Kain! (Hides behind Kain.)

Kain: From what?

Mystery Thing: **GROWL!**

Kain: …

Icy Cake: **GULP!**

Mystery Thing: **~ALL OF YOU SHALL PERISH!~** (A huge, black, ugly tentacled thingy appears in the shadows.)

Icy Cake: OoO! NO! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!

Kain: …

Mystery Thing: **BWAHAHAHAHAHA!**

Sol: _ GET BACK IN THE WRITERS BLOCK! RIGHT NOW!

Mystery Thing: **AWWWWWWWWW…**

Sol: NOW!

Mystery Thing: **OKAY…** (It disappears in a flash of light.)

Icy Cake: OoO! AHHHHHH! SOL'S BACK!

Sol: ^_^ I knew that I would find you here! Sorry bout that…"it" escaped…

Icy Cake: I thought you sealed that thing in a writer's block?

Sol: ^_^; Well…

Kain: What was it?

Sol: My bad ideas for fan fiction…they eventually evolve into a part of that…thing.

Kain: How many different fanfics were in that thing?

Sol: Oh that was only one! Actually it's the only bad fanfic idea I've ever had!

Kain: …

Icy Cake: …

Everyone: …

(Crickets Chirp.)

Sol:_ Now its time for my revenge!

Kain: Uh huh… (Flicks on the light reveling Sol."

Kain: … 0_o? Hehehe…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Icy Cake: Huh? (Looks over Kain's shoulder.) ^_^ OH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I thought my eyes deceived me last time! AH Hahahahaha!

Sol: _ SHUT UP!

Icy Cake: Oh this is well worth the torture! Hehehehehehe!

(Sol looks like normal…unless you count the long white tail and cat ears… ^_^; And yes I do hate myself for doing this to myself…but I can't help it. ^_^; I love humiliating myself! Icy Cake will be even better though! Ahhh I'm gonna burn so bad…I can smell my flesh burning!)

Sol: _ Grrrrrrrrrrr…SHUT UP!

Kain: Ahhhh…I think I broke something. Wheeze, wheeze… HAHAHAHAHA!

Icy Cake: Hehehehehe! (Both Kain and Icy Cake are rolling around on the floor laughing their heads off while Sol is turning red with embarrassment… ^_^;)

Sol: Grrrrrr…

Icy Cake: Aww Kitty boy is angry! Hahahahahaha!

Kain: (Hyperventilating.) He…he..he…hahahaha! **THUMP! **Wheeze, wheeze, wheeze…

Sol: _* **TWITCH…TWITCH…** _* Grrrrrrrrr…

Icy Cake: What should I call you now? Kitty-Chan? Hehehehehe!

Kain: (Heart has stopped, so he is now legally dead!)

Sol: I'M NOT A CHAN! WE AGREED ON THAT!

Icy Cake: You're younger than me kitty boy! So you're a Chan! KITTY-CHAN! ^_^

Sol: _ THAT'S IT! I'M GONNA KILL YOU ICY CAKE!

Icy Cake: Hehehehe…you kill me? You're just a big kitty! (Scratches behind his ears.)

Sol: 0.0; …Wha? Cut it out!

Icy Cake: ^_^ No way! I wanna see if my hypothesis is correct!

Sol: T_T ~Must…not…give…in…~ …purrrrrrrrr…

Icy Cake: Hehehehehe! I was right! Your nothing but a big kitty! ^_^

Kain: (Gets up to see Sol the most horrifying and twisted author on FF.net...purring.)

Kain: **BLINK...BLINK** O_O? (Rubs eyes.)…AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sol: Shut up Kain!

Kain: Gasp, gasp…okay Sol are you gonna do the reviews or am I?

Sol: Purrr…huh? Oh the reviews! I'll do em!

Reviewers: …A guy with a tail is gonna answer our reviews?

Sol: **(Twitch…Twitch…)** I suggest you be quite! (Clears his throat.) I AM THE AUTHOR AFTER ALL! …Now on with the reviews!

_Kairi Flamebreeze…wow your review was shorter than Enigmas! Congratulations you are the newest holder of the shortest  review! …For some reason I feel like I shocked you…anyway I have made a medal for the shortest reviewer! Here it is! I present you with the medal of @= …nice, huh? ^_^ Few know what it really stands for…_

_Icy Cake… (Glares at Icy Cake) One of these days I'm gonna hurt you…_

_Tifa-Carbuncle…Oh…I'm really sorry you lost someone close to you…I have as well. But as they say laughter is the best medicine and I'm glad my fic made you happy!_

_Shadowthewindadept…in case you haven't noticed Ivan is also quite dead…until I resurrect the little brat again… -_-;_

_Enigma…Hey you're right! This pain medication is working wonders! Why else would I have this? (Holds up tail.) ^_^ Actually it's a mixture of painkillers, sugar and my own warped sense of humor. ^_^ Check out my guide at the end of the chapter_

Sol: Okay that's all the reviews! ^_^ By the way I want to thank everyone who's reviewed! You have made me a very happy man!

Kain: Cat.

Sol: Shut up or I'll kill you sooner than I promised!

Kain: …

Sol: (Turns to Icy Cake.) Now to take care of some unfinished business! ^_^

Icy Cake: Please forgive me!

Sol: …You tortured me, humiliated me, and you turned me into a big cat…and you want me to forgive you?

Icy Cake: Pleeeease? (Gives Sol puppy dog eyes.)

Sol: -_- …Damn you…fine I won't hurt you…yet…

Icy Cake: Thank you! ^_^ You're a good kitty!

Sol: _* I'M NOT A KITTY! I'M A FANFICTION AUTHOR! AND I'M THE HOST OF THIS SHOW! (Thrashes tail.)

Icy Cake: Actually no animals on the set! (Points at a sign that says "No Pets.")

Sol: _ I'M NOT AN ANIMAL! AND I MOST CERTANILY NOT ANYONES PET! I AM SOL SABRE! THE BEST FANFICTION AUTHOR EVER!

Icy Cake: Yeah right, you misspelled the title of the last chapter!

Sol: …

Icy Cake: ^_^

Sol: Would it kill you to be nice to me! Just once?

Icy Cake: No…but your so funny when your angry! ^_^

Sol: -_-; (Pulls out a piece of paper.) Here are today's pairings…you two handle the show…I need to find a way to reverse this transformation…

Kain: Speaking of that…why didn't you turn into a girl Sol?

Sol: (Shrugs.)

Icy Cake: I think he's hiding something!

Sol: I'm not hiding anything…now I'm gonna try to fix this problem… (Sol warps away.)

Kain: -_-; Alright…the pairings for today are… (Looks at paper.) Babi and Jenna, Mia and Menardi and Sheba and Felix.

Everyone: …

Kain: Alright get Jenna out of Kraden's Bungalow Icy Cake, I'll go get Babi!

Icy Cake: You want ME to go to Kradens!?

Kain: Yes!

Icy Cake: But I don't want to!

(Sol reappears.)

Sol: Do it or I will make you feel immense PAIN! (Warps away…again.)

Icy Cake: Fine… (Pulls out flamethrower.)

Kain: 0.o?

Icy Cake: If he comes near me I'm gonna torch him!

Kain: -_-; Fine…

**(Kradens Bungalow)**

(Icy Cake is dressed in black camouflage gear…think James bond here…)

Icy Cake: How will I get in there?

Sol: You could knock on the door!

Icy Cake: AHHHHHH! (Glares at Sol.) Don't do that!

Sol: ^_^ just do what I do! (Walks up to the door and knocks on it.)

(Kraden opens the door.)

Kraden: 0_0! A NEKO! Wait right here!

Sol: Sure, bring Jenna and Picard with you.

(Kraden goes back inside a look of excitement on his face.)

Icy Cake: Hey Sol, remember Garo in GS The Lost Age?

Sol: Yeah…OH SHI… (Kraden opens the door and grabs Sol.)

Kraden: I've always wanted to study a Neko!

(Sol is frantically trying to get away.)

Sol: HELP! (Gets dragged inside…Jenna gets thrown out along with Picard and the door slams shut.)

Jenna: Did Kraden just drag a guy with a tail into his Bungalow?

Icy Cake: -_-; You didn't see anything…now come with me, the show's starting.

Jenna: Okay!

**(The Freezer)**

Kain: So this is the freezer… (Opens Babi's coffin.)

Babi: …

Kain: …

Babi: I'M NOT DEAD!

Kain: …We can fix that! (Takes out a pillow and puts it over Babi's face.)

Babi: MURPH! MURPH! Wheeze…gasp… …

Babi: …

Kain: ^_^ One problem fixed! Hehehe…

Police Man: Did you just murder that man?

Kain: Uh…no he was already dead!

Police Man: I don't believe you! Hands up!

Kain: …(Draws sword.)

Sol: This scene has been removed for lots of violence…I really don't hate the police or anything. It's just that Kain doesn't seem to care about that sort of thing…

Kain: Sol! Hand me a mop and bucket!

Sol: -_-; Just pretend you didn't hear that…

Kain: Actually if you give me a hose I think I can get some of this off the walls!

Sol: -_-; (Hands Kain a fire hose.)

Kain: Aren't you supposed to be at Kraden's?

Sol: …%#$@ your right…damn a plot hole… Um…I am actually the author's stunt double! Watch! (Wraps tail in oil soaked cloth and sets himself on fire.)

Sol: ARGH! AHHHHHHHH! IT BURNS!

Kain: … -_-; (Picks up coffin and warps away.)

Sol: AHHHHHHHHHH! (Grabs hose and sets himself out.)

Sol: Whew…back to Kradens… (Looks at you.) Uh…I mean…I'm going to make another random appearance! (Warps away.)

**(The Fancy Room)**

(Felix, Sheba, Mia and Menardi are waiting for Kain and Icy Cake to return.)

Felix: This is boring…

Sheba: … ^_^

Felix: Shut up…you have nothing to say, so stop taking up space! The author doesn't want to waste his time with you!

Sheba: T_T

Mia: Does anyone know the pairings?

Menardi: I know whom I'm with! (Looks at Mia.)

Mia: 0_o? Ummm…

Felix: Here comes Icy Cake!

(Icy Cake walks in with Jenna and female Picard behind her.)

Icy Cake: Hi everyone!

Everyone: Hi!

(Kain appears and drops Babi's coffin on the floor.)

Kain: Has anyone seen Sol…the real one?

Icy Cake: He's visiting Kraden…

Kain: 0_o; …Take care of the show, I'm going to Kradens.

Icy Cake: Why?

Kain: …Either I go or you go.

Icy Cake: _* YOUR TURN!

Kain: Of course! (Warps away.)

Icy Cake: The parings are Jenna and Babi, Mia and Menardi and Sheba and Felix!

Everyone: EWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Icy Cake: Jenna you need to spend a romantic evening with Babi…I suggest you spend it in the freezer or he'll start to smell funny.

Jenna: (Pokes Babi's body with a stick.) Ewwwwwww!

Icy Cake: Mia…you might just want to run away as fast as possible.

Mia: RIGHT! (Runs away.)

Menardi: Get back here cutie! (Runs after Mia.)

Icy Cake: Sheba, Felix you get to spend your evening tormenting Bill Gates together!

Felix: What!?

Icy Cake: Sol hates Windows…so you two get the privilege of tormenting Bill Gates and the Microsoft Corporation!

Sheba: ^_^

Felix: Alright!

Icy Cake: Alright everyone! Get going!

**(Kraden's Bungalow)**

(Kain arrives at Kraden Bungalow to find it burning…Sol is in front of the building…slightly scorched.)

Kain: ^_^ What happened kitty boy?

Sol: (Shudders) He tried to…never mind…

Kain: ^_^ Hehehe…

Sol: (Shudders)

Kain: The show has started, you better find a way to reverse that transformation!

Sol: I KNOW THAT!

Kain: Where is Kraden?

Sol: I disposed of him.

Kain: ^_^ What happened? Get to good of a look at you?

Sol: I don't know what you're talking about!

Kain: Hehehe…

Sol: …I'm leaving! (Warps away.)

Kain: I bet my ship that HE is not really a HE… ^_^

**(The Freezer)**

Jenna: This is boring!

Babi: Murph!

Jenna: Huh? (Opens coffin and pulls the pillow off Babi's face.)

Jenna: Oh! A pillow! (Closes the coffin and lays down next to it, shivering.)

Coffin: I AM BABI! RULER OF TOLBI HEAR ME ROAR!

Jenna: 0_o?

Babi: Let me out!

Jenna: …

Babi: NOW!

Jenna: …I hear dead people… COOL! Maybe I can make a lot of money!

Babi: Let me out! (Starts slamming on the coffin door.)

Jenna: SHUT UP! (Uses Cycle Beam on the coffin.)

Babi: **SIZZLE**

Jenna: ^_^

**(Random Place)**

Mia: ~Just gotta keep running!~

Menardi: GET BACK HERE! I'M NOT GONNA HURT YOU!

Mia: (Trips on a rock.) Ahhhhhh!

Menardi: Hehehe…you're mine!

Mia: (Pulls an envelope from her purse and throws it at Menardi.)

**POOF!**

Menardi: …What was that?

Mia: O.O; (Menardi is what she's always wanted to be…a man! Think Agatio with long blond hair and a dress…scary thought, huh? My mind feels violated just thinking about it… ^_^; I'm a sick little boy…)

Menardi: THANK YOU MIA! I'll LOVE YOU FOREVER! (Hugs Mia really, really hard.)

Mia: x_x

**(Home of Bill Gates)**

Felix: What do we do?

Sheba: ^_^ (Pulls out a floppy disk labeled "Death to Windows Virus, do not use unless you hate Windows...")

Felix: ^_^

Sheba: … … !

Felix: Lets go inside and spread this to every Windows system on earth!

(They sneak inside and Sheba sits down at a computer and begins to download the virus.)

Sheba: ^_^

Felix: This is fun!

Bill Gates: What are you doing!?

Felix: Ummm…it's an update for Windows!

Bill Gates: Fools! That's a virus! Prepare to face my most powerful creation Windows XP Millennium 3000 Special Edition!

(A huge robot thingy walks in…its utterly lame just like this fanfic! ^_^)

Felix: Sheba, download it into that robot!

Sheba: ^_^

WXPM3000SP- **PREPARE TO BE VIOLATED.**

Felix: 0_o?

Sheba: 0_o;

Bill Gates: _! Damn it! I told them to say annihilated not violated!

Felix: Hurry Sheba! I don't want to be violated by that robot!

Sheba: ^_^

Felix: Its done?

WXPM3000SP- **WINDOWS HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN…**

(WXPM3000SP falls to the ground.)

Felix: Yay!

Bill Gates: NOOOOOOOOO! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!

Felix: No.

Bill Gates: Windows operates almost every computer on the planet!

Felix: So? OH SHI…

**BEEP!**

WINDOWS HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN…YOU HAVE BEEN SCREWED SOL… HAVE A NICE DAY!

Sol: Damn it… %#$#^%#  piece of $#!*!

Computer: Ha! You're screwed buddy! Buy the new Windows update for 200 dollars to remedy this problem!

Sol: _* (Hits computer with a hammer.)

Computer: OUCH! WINDOWS HAS RESTARTED…can't even take a @%^&*^! joke!

Sol: Whew…

Computer: YOUR HARD DRIVE HAS BEEN WIPED…

Sol: RAWRG! (Pulls out a shotgun.)

Sol: DIE! **BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!**

~We interrupt this interruption to return you to the Bachlorette! The best fanfic ever to grace fan fiction net!~

**(Bill Gates Home)**

Felix: What happened?

Sheba: Windows failed and the author stopped typing!

Felix: Your supposed to be mute!

Sheba: Once the author notices that I'm talking he'll shut me up but until then I can talk!

Felix: -_-;

Sheba: Felix…I just wanted to tell you that I lo…

Sol: Huh!? (Click!) ^_^

Sheba: _ !!!

Felix: Thanks Sol!

Sol: Whatever…hey on your way back pick me up a carton of milk and a can of tuna!

Felix: 0_o?

Sheba: 0_o?

Sol: JUST DO IT!

Felix: Right…

Bill Gates: What about me?

Sol: Oh yeah! (Moves cursor over Bill Gates.)

Bill Gates: WHAT!? NOOO!

Sol: (Highlights Bill Gates and presses delete.)

Bill Gates: NOOO! ARGH! (Bill Gates has been deleted.)

Sol: Hehe… ^_^ That was fun! Maybe I'll do AOL next time!

**(The Freezer)**

Jenna: SOOOOO BOOORRRREEEDDDD…

Babi: Jump in the coffin and we can keep each other entertained!

Jenna: 0.o; EWWWWWWWWWWW!

Babi: Its warm.

Jenna: OKAY! (Jumps into coffin.)

Babi: YAY!

Jenna: …I can't believe I'm in here with an old dead man…

Babi: I'm not dead!

Jenna: 0.o That's even worse!

Babi: That hurt!

Jenna: … -_-;

**(The Fancy Room)**

Icy Cake: HEY SOL! GET DOWN HERE!

Sol: (Warps down.) What is it now? I'm trying to reverse this!

Icy Cake: ^_^ Oh but don't you like it!?

Sol: If you're trying to embarrass me its not gonna work! (Coughs.)

Icy Cake: Oh? Is Kitty-Chan sick?

Sol: Don't call me that! And yes I'm a little sick…

Icy Cake: We need to take you to the hospital so you can type the next chapter!

Sol: There is no way I'm going to a hospital like this!

Icy Cake: …I know just the place! (Grabs Sol and warps away.)

(They appear in front of a big white building.)

Icy Cake: We're here!

Sol: How did you do that!?

Icy Cake: Oh…warp? Author powers of course!

Sol: But I'm the author! You shouldn't be able to do anything in my fic!

Icy Cake: I bend the rules…now come on!

So: (Looks at sign.) OoO! THE VET OFFICE! LET ME GO!

Icy Cake: Nope, you need a check up!

Sol: NOOOO! (Gets dragged into vet's office.)

Vet: Hi, what have we here?

Icy Cake: Umm…he's an author kitty! Cute isn't he!?

Sol: Grrrrrr…

Icy Cake: He's kinda temperamental.

Vet: Uh huh…he's a little odd, but I think we have the tools we need.

Sol: ~TOOLS!?~

Icy Cake: Just fix him up as quickly as possible! I'll wait out here!

Vet: Yep! (Pulls out a leash and wraps it around Sol's neck.)

Sol: O.O! ~I can't get away!~

Vet: Come on cat! Hey what's his name!?

Icy Cake: ^_^ Kitty Chan!

Vet: Alright come on Kitty Chan!

Sol: ~I swear that she we feel my wrath next chapter!~

(In the vet's examination room)

Vet: Okay first we take your temperature! (Pulls out a thermometer.)

Sol: (On the examination table.) ~I can deal with that.~

Vet: Of course it's going in the back door! (Starts to put whatever they use to lubricate those things on it.)

Sol: OoO! NO WAY! (Jumps off table and hides behind it… And don't call me a chicken! You would to if some guy came after YOU with a thermometer!)

Vet: 0.o? It speaks?

Sol: You are not violating me with that thermometer!

Vet: …Usually my patients don't argue with me…

Sol: _ I'M NOT A PATIENT! I'M THE AUTHOR OF THIS FIC!

Vet: You are my patient now bend over!

Sol: Not in your damned life!

Vet: (Pulls out tranquilizer gun and shoots Sol.)

Sol: That's…unfair… **THUMP!**

Vet: Okay! Now we're making progress!

Sol: O.O!

(A little while later.)

Vet: Ma'am.

Icy Cake: Yes?

Vet: Here's your kitty!

Sol: T_T;;;

Vet: He gave me a little trouble but I took his temperature and he'll be fine!

Icy Cake: 0_o!? Temperature!? Hehehehehe…

Sol: Eat your friggin heart out Icy Cake!

Icy Cake: ^_^

Vet: By the way…you should really have him fixed! We're offering fifty percent off on all neutering operations!

Sol: O.O!

Icy Cake: Really? (Glances at Sol.)

Sol: If you even dare!

Icy Cake: ^_^;I think that he has had enough for today.

Vet: Of course…have a nice day!

Icy Cake: ^_^ Oh don't worry about that! (Walks out of Vets office with Sol on a leash.)

Sol: If you don't let go of that leash I'm gonna strangle you with it!

Icy Cake: Hehe… (Unlatches leash.)

Sol: If you tell anyone about this, I am gonna hurt you!

Icy Cake: But everyone reading this knows already!

Sol: O.O! HOLY (Place your 4 letter word of choice here!) YOUR RIGHT!

Icy Cake: ^_^

Sol: Grrrrrrrrrrr…

Icy Cake: Awwww…isn't he cute when he's angry!?

Sol: I'm going to fix this right now! **POOF!**

Icy Cake: Your still a big cat…O.O!?

Sol: I feel funny…

Icy Cake: (Insert a very evil grin here.)

Sol: (Looks down.) AGH! (If you really don't know what has happened you need someone to check your IQ…)

Icy Cake: ^_^;

Sol: **POOF!**

Sol: Much better…

Icy Cake: Aww…I didn't get to take a picture! DAMN IT!

Sol: …I hate you.

Icy Cake: ^_^

Sol: Ahhh…that special warm tingly feeling of superiority over everything has returned! …Not to mention I got my awesome aura back!

Icy Cake: Aura!? What's that?

Sol: The thing that acts as a female magnet.

Icy Cake: You? Attract women!? Yeah right!

Sol: Watch! (Leans against a wall looking casual.)

Icy Cake: …

Random Females: LOOK AT HIM! (Run over and surround Sol.)

Random Female: I love a man with a BIG tail!

Sol: ^_^; See!?

Icy Cake: -_-;

Sol: Doesn't seem to work on all females though! ^_^ Can't imagine why!

Icy Cake: Cause not all females are weak minded like them!

Sol: Pah! They're only an example! Anyway I'm going to fix this problem once and for all! (Sol warps away. All the girls leave except for Icy Cake)

Kain: Damn I lost my ship…

Icy Cake: -_-; Damn, I lost twenty bucks…

Kain: Draw?

Icy Cake: Sure!

Kain: Good! (Warps away.)

Icy Cake: ... (Warps away.)

**(The Fancy Room)**

Kain: Alright, everyone's back now!

Jenna: Yep!

Babi: Uh huh!

Felix & Sheba: … (Staring at male Menardi.)

Menardi: I feel like a man! WOOT!

Mia: …Will you let go of me!?

Menardi: Nope!

Icy Cake: Great, we can end this chapter!

Sol: Yep! (Walks in…by the way he's not a big cat anymore! I think I humiliated myself more than enough for awhile! ^_^;)

(Everyone stares at him.)

Sol: (Leans against wall.)

Jenna, Mia. Sheba and Menardi: MAN! (Grab and squeeze Sol really hard.)

Sol: x_x; (I wouldn't be so disgusted if a big Agatio rip off with long blond hair wasn't hugging me…)

Icy Cake: -_-;

Sol: (Gets the girls and one awful looking man off of him.) Did everyone kiss?

Everyone: Yep!

Sol: Menardi kissed Mia…that's just nasty…anyway who should go today!? I forgot to ask last chapter as well so the choices are Felix, Picard and Ivan from chapter 3. And Felix, Babi and Menardi from chapter 4! Make your pick when you review please!

Kain: Now for the behind the scenes look at the Bachlorette!

**(Coffee Room)**

(Everyone's in the coffee room.)

Agatio: You look like me! (Pointing at Menardi.)

Menardi: Do I really? Nasty!

Agatio: -_-;

Ivan: (Squish sounds.)

Kain: **STOMP!** (Ivan is very x_x now.) Anyway what's up next chapter Sol?

Sol: I dunno…my painkillers are almost gone…

Icy Cake: …

Sol: Writers block…

Everyone: YAY! VACATION!

Sol: ^_^ Yep! I'm gonna work on some of my other fics until inspiration hits me!

Kain: …Alright…update "The Final Trial!"

Sol: Of course…by the way readers I thought I'd tell you how to come up with a plot for any story! So here's how I come up with my stories!

A: Pain Killers! These work wonders! Even if they do make you sleepy! Open mouth surgery helps too!

B: Sugar! Caffeine! Sugar! Once your mind goes into overdrive you won't have any problems!

C: Twisted/sick mind… I really don't think I need to explain this. Look at me! That's enough of an explanation!

D: Love of kinky stuff! Yes, I love kinky and surprising themes! This explains the cat thing! Kinky, no?

E: Random inspiration! Ah yes…an idea hits you all of a sudden for no reason at all…one of my favorites!

F: Be willing to lower yourself to my level! As it says lower yourself to my level! Just don't go any lower…that's uncharted territory!

Sol: Okay that's it! Finally if you have any suggestions for an event in oncoming chapters email me! I've been so busy that I'm having trouble thinking of funny stuff…schools coming up so I have less time to spend on things like that… T_T

Kain: He's just making up excuses!

Sol: SHUT UP!

Sol: Anyway…all characters will be humiliated! Including Icy Cake and Kain! So whom should I humiliate next from the shows host? (Don't you dare say me! I took at thermometer for you people already…that's more than enough!) So who is next? Kain or Icy Cake?


	5. Marital Mayhem

Kain: Eh? Hi, and welcome to The Fifth Installment of the Bachlorette…

Icy Cake: Cant you sound a little more enthusiastic!?

Kain: No.

Icy Cake: Fine then…WELCOME EVERYONE! As you may or may not know Sol has been on a very long vacation…mostly because his Laptop broke, and he didn't bother to back up any files…nor did he bother to use his Desktop… But it's fixed and in good working order, so new chapters will be arriving every few weeks! ~If he can manage to juggle school, work, and life's problems.~

Kain: Where is Sol anyway?

Sol: (Warps in…he's holding a carton of milk in one hand, and a can of tuna in the other.)

Sol: Hi! ^_^ (Starts lapping at the milk.)

Kain: …You hate milk…and why are you lapping it up!?

Sol: Eh? (Realizes he is indeed lapping up the milk.)

Sol: Ummmm… ???

Icy Cake: Say Meow!

Sol: ? Make me!

Icy Cake: (Scratches Sol's chin.)

Sol: Purrrrrrrrrrr…

Icy Cake: …I think he hasn't gotten over last chapter as much as we would have liked… -_-;

Sol: _* You got a problem with my slight change in habits!?

Icy Cake: Um, Nope! Go ahead! Its not like its weird or anything… ^_^;;

Kain: -_-;

Sol: Good! Now everyone we have a very special guest today! Kairi Flamebreeze is appearing on the show! Using my uber spiffy author powers I will call her from wherever she is right now! (Glows as he uses uber spiffy author powers.)

Kairi: **POW!**

Kairi: …huh? Where the &!*^% am I? O_o?

Sol: O.O;;; (Blushes)

Kain: … ^_^

Icy Cake: … -_-;

Kairi: WHAT THE $@#*!? (Covers herself with a towel.) Where did the water go!? (Realizes that she is on a TV set surrounded by cameras…and yes they are running…live show ya know. ^_^ I'm such a pervert…)

Kairi: (Blushes)

Sol: (Still Blushing)

Kain: Eh…welcome to the show… ^_^ Nice entrance by the way! Love your outfit! It shows your figure quit nicely!

Kairi: …DIE! (Charges at Kain with sword held high.)

Kain: It would be best if you got dressed before you kill me…you may die of embarrassment! ^_^

Kairi: (Realizes she dropped her towel…and yes she is blushing…)

Sol: (Covers eyes.) I DID NOT SEE ANYTHING! HONEST!

Icy Cake: This coming from a guy whose cheeks are a deep shade of red… (Puts fingers on Sol's cheek.) OUCH! HOT TOO! (Blows on fingers.) ^_^

Sol: o; SHUT UP! I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS IN THE SHOWER!

Icy Cake: Awwww…your funny when you're angry and embarrassed! ^_^ (Snaps picture of Sol.)

Sol: (Blinks)

Icy Cake: …

Sol: (Blinks)

Icy Cake: …I think he's in shock… (Puts a wet rag on his face and it begins to steam.)

Icy Cake: 0_o? Wow!  Cut it out Sol you're fogging up the stage!

Sol: (Blushes)

Sol: Sorry…

Kairi: -_-; …Can I have my cloths now…PLEASE!?

Icy Cake: Here! (Tosses Kairi her cloths.)

Kairi: Thanks Cake Lady! ^_^

Icy Cake: _ WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!?

Kairi: Nothing! (Slips away to get dressed.)

Sol: (Pulls out a mirror and discovers that his face is bright red.)

Sol: …DAMN IT! I HOPE THIS ISN'T PERMANENT!

Kain: (Hands Sol some bleach/sulfuric acid mix.)

Kain: Wash your face with this.

Sol: …This wouldn't be one of your attempts to end my life would it?

Kain: Not at all…I would never dream of doing such a thing to you… ^_^

Icy Cake: -_-; ~Yeah right…I bet you dream of it every night…bet you succeed too…~

Kairi: (Comes out of the dressing room. She's dressed in a black shirt and pants, her hair is brown, and her eyes are violet. Phaetons blade is strapped to her back.)

Kairi: Sol?

Sol: Uh…yes? ^_^; ?

Kairi: _ **SMACK!** (Whaps Sol so hard that he gets knocked unconscious.)

Kain: …Hmmm…

Icy Cake: Sol!? Wake up! We need the pairings! (Kicks him in the ribs.)

Icy Cake: **KICK! KICK! KICK!**

Sol: **THUMP! THUMP! SNAP!**

Icy Cake: ^_^;; Uh…I didn't do it…

Kain: I have the parings right here! (Pulls out a folded piece of paper.)

Icy Cake: Why didn't you tell me!?

Kain: Cause it's fun to watch Sol get hurt!

Icy Cake: -_-; Give me those! (Grabs pairings.)

Icy Cake: Today we have Issac and Jenna, Mia and Alex…Sheba and…ewwwww! KRADEN!?

Sol: (Wakes up.) It hurts so badly…

Kain: Quite! (Kicks Sol…hard.)

Sol: T_T

Icy Cake: Well lets get started! Call in the Bachelors and the Bachlorettes!

(All the contestants arrive…cept for Issac and Alex.)

Icy Cake: Where are those two?

Kain: Oh! I remember! (Opens a closet. Two very badly beaten/mauled/near death guys…Issac and Alex fall out onto the floor.)

Issac: …Help…

Alex: Ditto…

Icy Cake: O.O!? What did you do to them Kain?

Kain: They were in the way so I locked them in there…and forgot about them…as for there present condition…I'm pretty sure that I gave Kraden the keys for safe keeping… ^_^

Issac: The bad man did things to us! (Cries)

Alex: First he bound us in barb wire then he…he… (Cries)

Issac: Then the eel, and that broom stick! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Alex: And the inflatable dolls, and the cattle prod! He he… WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Kairi: 0_o! …Ewwwwwwwww…

Icy Cake: O.O!?

Kain: … ^_^ ~I wonder if Kraden recorded the screaming? Hmmmm… Mental note, ask Kraden for a recording, if he does not have one repeat torture as necessary…~

Icy Cake: …Kain…

Kain: Yes?

Icy Cake: DIE! YOU HURT ISSAC! (Jumps at Kain, but falls to the floor in pain.)

Icy Cake: Ohhhh…my back…

Kairi: What's wrong?

Icy Cake: I've been carrying so many books to school that it's been hurting my back…

Sol: Really!? We have to help her Kain! (Gets up seeming undisturbed by his broken ribs.)

Kain: (Nods) Icy Cake have no fear! I'm a professional! (Puts on a white coat stained with blood…lots of blood…still fresh…as in dripping on the floor fresh…making a puddle on the floor fresh…you get the idea…it's still warm and wet…)

Icy Cake: OoO! NO WAY!

Kain: HAVE NO FEAR! A FULL SPINAL RE-ADJUSTMENT IS HERE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Icy Cake: OoO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kain: Oh but we couldn't let your back stay the way it is! Don't worry the pain will be insignificant!

Icy Cake: How insignificant?

Kain: Slightly less than if you were amputated multiple times with a dull and broken hacksaw over the period of several days. ^_^

Icy Cake: OoO!? NO WAY! GET AWAY FROM ME!

Kain: (Grabs Icy Cake.) I'll be in the "room" Sol…

Sol: Of course…I'll meet you there!

Kain: (Nods and warps away with a still screaming Icy Cake.)

Sol: Alright…Jenna and Issac…go to the mental hospital…Mia you better take Alex to a psychiatrist. Sheba and Kraden…do what you will, just make sure that I don't see any of it, m'kay?

Everyone: Okay!

Kraden: Mmmmmm…barbwire wrappings and alcohol… (Drools)

Sheba: 0_o;;;

Sol: Oh lord… (Starts to walk away, but remembers his multiple broken ribs...)

Sol: Oh yeah… **THUMP!** …… x_x

Everyone: …(Shrugs)

Kairi: Hehehe…guess I'm the host for now…get going people and get me a Bargs Root beer while your at it!

Jenna: She's even worse than Icy Cake…

Kairi: _ DIE!

Jenna: Ahhh! **SLASH! THUMP! SPLOCH! SPLATTER!**

Kairi: Hehehe… ^_^

Jenna: x_x **Drip…drip…drip…**

Issac: Uh…revive?

Jenna: (Moans and gets up.)

Kairi: _* STAY DOWN! Issac you're next!

Issac: NO! I'll do anything just don't hurt me anymore! (Cries)

Sol: Ugh… (Gets up…very slowly…)

Sol: The reviews…must finish them before I pass out from the pain…

_Kairi Flamebreeze…-_-; Alrighty then, here's another reward… =@ tis the one for longest review…in the meantime ^_^ I'm glad you decided to join in the fun! ^_^ (Thinking of all the things that he's gonna do to Kairi.) Gonna be kinda hard to kill Shadow though…Kain kinda beat ya to it…_

_Enigma…everyone thinks I need help…and they are probably right! ^_^_

_Icy Cake…_ Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… Well Icy Cake I decided that today would be full of pain! Next time I will humiliate you!_

_Yoshimi Takahashi…hehehe…that happens a lot. ^_^ I'm glad I disturbed you! This chapter may be even MORE disturbing though!_

_Shadowthewindadept… 0_o? Didn't Kain decapitate you in "Screwed up Sun?"_

_Kain: Yes…get back in the bag Shadow! (Stuffs Shadow in a bag.)_

Dreamgirlie…Weeeeeeee! Everyone this is someone from a forum I visited awhile back! 0_o? What was it like being half cat? …Ummmmmm…well…well it was okay if you minus the whole thermometer thing… (Shudders) Damn that thing was enormous! Like the Empire State… (See's everyone looking at him funny.) Uh… ^_^ Never mind…

Sol: Okay Babi is off the show…that's…all… **THUMP!**

Sol: x_x

Kairi: On with the show! Hehehe! This is gonna be great! ^_^

Felix: (Walks up with a Root beer in hand.)

Felix: Uh…here ya go lady… ^_^;

Kairi: YES! (Downs the root beer in one gulp)

Felix: … ?

Kairi: YESIMSOFRIGGINWIRED!ILOVEITIMDAHOSTOFDASHOEANDEVERYTHING!NOTEVENSHOWTHEWINDADEPTHAS

DONEWHATIHAVEDONE!IAMTHEBEST (Starts running around Felix really fast.)

Felix: -_-;; It's only a matter of time before…

Kairi: **URK!** (Falls to the floor unconscious.)

Felix: Only a matter of time until she falls into a diabetic coma… ^_^

Kain: (Reappears.)

Kain: Ah yes the girl that dissed my power… (Picks up Kairi.)

Felix: What are you going to do?

Kain: Lets just say that her pain is my pleasure. ^_^

Felix: …You scare me…

Kain: I know… ^_^ Now excuse me…I need to realign Icy Cakes spine, and take care of this one. (Shakes Kairi.)

Felix: When did she diss you?

Kain: Icy Cakes little fic "Screwed up Sun"…she was bragging about how much better she is than me… And I am going to prove her wrong! ^_^

Felix: With what?

Kain: These. (Opens up cloak to revel pockets and belts full of nameless pointy objects of various shapes and sizes.

Felix: O.O!?

Kain: I never go anywhere without my personal torture devices! I got all sorts of em! ^_^ (Pulls out something that looks like a rusty screw driver that's been bent into a S shape.)

Kain: This is one of my favorites! You just insert it into the body, twist it around a couple of times, and pull very slowly…the pain it causes is immeasurable! And the rust gives you tetanus so you can't open your mouth and scream in pain! All of the anguish is trapped in your mind so you slowly go insane…it just takes a while for the tetanus to kick in… ^_^ I haven't gotten to use it in awhile so I'm really eager to try it out again!

Felix: O.o;;; …I'm going to run in the other direction now. (Runs away.)

Kain: ^_^ And the fun begins…enjoy this chapter everyone. (Kicks Sol) 

Kain: Get up you lazy oaf of an author!)

Sol: **SNAP! POP!**

Kain: …That did not sound right…but… (Pulls out a stethoscope and puts it on Sol's chest.)

Kain: All right… (Pushes Sol's ribs until they make a popping/grinding noise.)

Sol: (Still unconscious.)

Kain: Excellent! You have never experienced true music unless you listen to the sounds of bones and joints being dislocated and broken! ^_^ (Grabs Sol.)

Kain: I'm gonna make a recording of this! ^_^ …Wait a second… (Thinks Icy Cake+Kairi+Sol's various broken bones=new hit record for sick people…namely Kain.)

Kain: This will make a great CD! To the recording studio! ^_^ (Warps away with Kairi and Sol.)

Everyone: …Who's hosting now?

Felix: Um…I will host the show for now…so take your places! ^_^

The Bachlorette! Special PAIN Edition…brought to you by Kain…Sol Sabre's official psychopathic mass murder, torturer, pain monger, and all around bad @$$ ^_^ Gotta love em, eh?.

Kain: ^_^; Awww…you guys give me too much credit…

Felix: You deserve it…

Kain: ^_^ By the time I'm done I'll be more famous than Hannibal Lector!

Felix: 0.o; Uh…

Kain: I have his cookbook at home ya know.

Felix: O.O! ~Help me…~

Kain: Never used it though…

Felix: -_-; Whew…

Kain: Cept for the cookies I made for everyone while we were on break.

Felix: O.O!? (Remembers the two dozen cookies he ate.) …Who…was it?

Kain: Babi. ^_^

Felix: O0O **BLARG!**

Kain: According to the cookbook the meat has to be aged awhile…that way it's tender.

Felix: (Vomiting uncontrollably.)

Kain: Eh… ^_^ I prefer chocolate chip myself…I can't eat the ones I made…

Felix: !? (Still vomiting.)

Kain: Too much protein gives me an unbelievable high.

Felix: (Still vomiting, and turning blue from lack of oxygen.)

Kain: Kinda like if you gave Sol some sugar, he'll get a really bad sugar high. Throw me a steak or something high in protein and I'll be bouncing of the walls!

Felix: **THUMP!** (Uh…he kinda puked himself into unconsciousness…^_^;)

Kain: Weakling… ^_^ Okay now the show really starts! Excuse me while I tend to some business… (Warps away.)

Everyone: …Now who's gonna host!?

Everyone: … (Shrugs)

Jenna: Great…this is gonna be magical… -_-; Felix! Wake up!

**(The Recording/Torture Room)**

Icy Cake: Uhhhh…where am I?

Kain: My recording studio! ^_^

Icy Cake: (Looks around, various torture devices are hanging on the walls and there is a large lumpy bag next to her.)

Icy Cake: O.O!?!

Kain: ^_^ Just lemme move Shadow, m'kay? (Throws the bag on the floor, it lands with a loud **THUMP!**)

Icy Cake: Sh…sh…Shadowthewindadept?

Kain: Yeah…I kinda damaged him in one of the reviews for your fic… ^_^ I was supposed to repair him, but I got sidetracked…besides if I let him sit for awhile he's bound to soften up a little bit…I think I misplaced an ear somewhere around here…

Icy Cake: O.O ~God help me…~

Kain: Now for your back problem… ^_^ (Picks up a metal baseball bat.) I got this just for you… ^_^; remember you need to stay calm and allow your back to absorb the punishment or else it may break…wait keep your back as stiff as possible! The sound of breaking bones fits nicely with the screams of pain! ^_^ (Turns on recorder.)

Icy Cake: Help me…

Kain: Okay…stay really still…

Icy Cake: IN YOUR DREAMS! (Runs)

Kain: ^_^ This is gonna be fun too! Yay! (Throws baseball bat)

Icy Cake: He'll never catch me! **WHAP!** AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! **THUMP!**

Kain: ^_^ Perfect!

Icy Cake: Ouch…

Kain: ^_^ Now for a few more! **WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!**

Icy Cake: ARGH! AHHH! OUCH! AHHHHHH!

(After a half hour of senseless Icy Cake beating…and a half hour of screaming…)

Kain: Now we use the stretcher of pain! ^_^

Icy Cake: OoO!? NO!

Kain: (Puts Icy Cake on a stretcher with cable's tied around her hands and feet.)

Kain: Now I just turn the little wheel, and… **SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! CRUNCH!**

Icy Cake: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kain: ^_^ Wow I dislocated four vertebrae, and your collarbone in one go! ^_^ New record baby! WOOT!

Icy Cake: T_T Ahhhhhh…it hurts so badly…

Kain: Yup! ^_^ (Turns the wheel) **SNAP! POP! POP! SNAP! POP! CRACKLE!**

Icy Cake: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kain: WOW! Six vertebrae! I'm getting better every day! ^_^

Icy Cake: Please…the pain…

Kain: Wonderful, eh? Sooths the mind and body!

Icy Cake: O.o **CRUNCH!** ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!

Sol: Ugh…my ribs… (Uses author powers to heal himself)

Sol: ICY CAKE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER KAIN!?

Kain: Healing her back! When I'm done she'll be as good as new…and maybe an inch or two taller as well!

Sol: …Okay! ^_^ I'll take care of the show! (Looks at the bag) Is that who I think it is?

Kain: ^_^; Uh…yeah…

Sol: I want him put back together by the end of the day so he can review! _ It better be done…or else!

Kain: Of course…

Sol: Good…now where's my milk?

Kain: In the fridge next to the mutilated corpse on the right…on top of the severed head with the serrated knife protruding from it.

Sol: Okay…see ya later Icy Cake. ^_^

Icy Cake: HELP! SOL! DON'T GO! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kain: Hehehehehehe…so beautiful! Hey Icy Cake can you go up an octave?

Icy Cake: -_-; Do, Re, Me, Fa, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kain: Good…you should sing ya know! ^_^

Icy Cake: Bastard… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kain: No actually…now again Do…

Icy Cake: Re…

Kain: Me.

Icy Cake: Fa…

Sol: So!

Kain: La!

Icy Cake: Ti…

Kain: Do! (Turns the wheel sharply.)

Icy Cake: Do, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kain: Beautiful! ^_^

**(The Fancy Room.)**

Sol: I'm back! (Looks around…no one is there…)

Sol: Hello? Anyone? T_T (Sits down and laps milk.) No body loves me…and I'm the author… T_T

Menardi: I love you!

Sol: O.o! Uh…

Menardi: COME HERE LITTLE BOY!

Sol: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Runs away with male Menardi close behind…I think I'm gonna call him Menardo… ^_^)

Menardo: Come back! I WUV YOU!

Sol: GET AWAY! I DON'T WANT YOUR LOVE!

Menardo: ^_^ But I have such luscious blond hair…and such a big, muscular body! You MUST WANT ME!

Sol: O.O NO WAY! NEVER!

Menardo: You leave me no choice! ^_^ (Lifts skirt.)

Sol: O.O ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Falls to the ground frantically trying to tear out his eyes.)

Menardo: (Licks lips.) All mine! My own…MY PRECIOUS!

Sol: O.o!? Oh Shi… AHHHHHHHH!

Menardo: ^_^ Be quite little one! I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU!

(Five minutes later.)

Sol: (Blindfolded and tied up…can do nothing but quake in fear…)

Menardo: Awwwww you're so CUTE when you're scared!

Sol: ~HELP ME!~

Menardo: Awwww! Come here you cutie! (Picks up Sol and gives him a BIG hug!

Sol: x.x;;;;

Menardo: Cuttie? Are you okay? o_o? ^_^; Honey? Sweety? Pumpkin?

**(Vale Mental Health Institute.)**

Issac: (Still crying.)

Jenna: Stop being such a baby Issac! You're supposed to be the fearless hero remember?

Issac: Your right Jenna… (Sees a man being dragged down the hall…he's wrapped in barbed wire and an eel is gnawing his face…)

Jenna: …

Issac: GET ME OUTTA HERE! (Starts running away.)

Jenna: (Grabs Issac) No we need to see the doctor so you can get over this! Excuse me? Nurse? Where is the doctor?

Nurse: Oh hello! My name is Joy! Dr Oak is in his lab right now! Do you want to see him?

Jenna: Nurse Joy? Dr. Oak? Why does that sound familiar… (Shrugs) Yes we need to see the doctor immediately!

Nurse Joy: ^_^ Follow me! Try not to step on any of our pets! (Points to an odd yellow rat with a lightening bolt shaped tail.)

Lightening Rat: Pikachu!

Jenna: I HATE RATS! (Uses Serpents Fume on the lightening rat…)

Lightening Rat: Pikkkkaaaaa… **THUMP!**

Nurse Joy: ^_^ Come on Dr. Oak is this way…

Issac: No…not Pikachu…NO! (Runs away)

Jenna: Eh? What's wrong with him?

Nurse Joy: (Shrugs) I don't know… ^_^ The men in white coats will get him! Right men?

Men in white coats: Yes! (Run off in pursuit of Issac)

Nurse Joy: ^_^ Now that we are alone maybe we can have a little fun…

Jenna: What was that?

Nurse Joy: Oh…nothing…follow me…

(In another part of the building)

Issac: I SEE POKE'MON!

Men in white coats: Yeah we've heard that before…listen buddy when someone undergoes massive mental trauma they start seeing thing…like Poke'mon!

Issac: But it's right there! (Points at Pikachu)

Men in white coats: ^_^ Sir you just need a little help! Just let us shoot you full of Horse Tranquilizers and everyone will be happy!

Issac: You want to rule the world! Bad Poke'mon men!

Men in white coats: He knows too much! Get him! (Men in white coats rush Issac)

Issac: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Gets dog piled)

**(Psychiatrist Office.)**

Alex: (Crying)

Mia: You big baby! You act all high and mighty but you're nothing! You need a good wife to take care of you!

Alex O.o!? **SNAP!** (That was his mind just in case ya didn't know)

Mia: Alex?

Alex: Mwehehehehehehehehe! Die bunnies! (Blast Mia with a geyser of water)

Mia: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! **SPLAT!** (Stuck to ceiling…ever seen Scary Movie? …Uh…it's kinda like that…ewwwwww…)

Alex: Mwehehehehehehehehe! Gaboing! Gaboing! Gaboing! Gaboing! (Starts jumping around like an idiot)

Mia: Men…don't know when to contain themselves! _

Psychologist: Get the straight jacket!

(They're in the psychologist office…Alex is in there tired up in a straight jacket that has been reinforced with rubber bands and duct tape…)

Mia: Duct tape?

Psychologist: Low on funding ever since the Innocent little boy vs. the catholic priest incident…

Mia: What was that?

Psychologist: Oh the priest claimed he was the boy's mother and that he loved him dearly. Another woman said she was his mother so we did a psychological test on the little boy to find out which was the real one!

Mia: …How did the priest get him?

Psychologist: ^_^ That's the beauty of reverse psychology madam! We gave the kid to the one that he said was not his mother cause that's what we do in reverse psychology! Recently the boy filed a complaint against the priest though…

Mia: Why?

Psychologist: I dunno…something to do with the cardinal and a love triangle but that's none of our concern! ^_^

Mia: O.O

Psychologist: My name is Dr. Ted you can call me Teddy Bear!

Mia: Teddy…Bear?

Psychologist: Cause I'm soft and cushy! (Hugs himself.)

Mia: **SNAP!** (Yes that was Mia's mind…)

Mia: (Smiles evilly) I don't like Teddy Bears! (Pulls out a knife)

Dr. Ted: Uh…Miss…put down the knife…PUT IT DOWN! ARGH! STOP STABBING ME! ARGH!

Mia: Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe! ^_^ Die Teddy! Where's your stuffing!? Hehehehehe!

Alex: Hehehehehehehehe!

Dr. Ted: **GURGLE!**

Mia: Hehehehehehe…everyone shall fall to the bunnies! Gaboing! Gaboing! Gaboing!

Alex: Bunnies! Gaboing! Gaboing! Gaboing!

**(Kradens Bungalow.)**

Sheba: O.O!?

Kraden: (Is dressed in a Speedo swimsuit… ewwww…hairy, skinny, ugly old man in a skimpy swimsuit…ICKY! Damn my mind keeps getting violated…)

Kraden: Ohhhhhhhhhh Sheba! Come play with daddy!

Sheba: ?

Kraden: I am your father! Now hop into the pool with daddy!

Sheba: OOO! (Vomiting uncontrollably…)

Kraden: When you're done put on this! (hands Sheba a leather bikini swimsuit…complete with…a thong…)

We interrupt this program to bring you an author rant… 

Sol: (Starts crying.) WHY AM I TYPING THIS! IT'S SO DISGUSTING AND PERVERTED! WHY GOD WHY!? (Still crying.)

We now return to your regularly scheduled program…unfortunately… 

Kraden: My sweet child! Come give daddy a hug!

Sheba: (Runs away as fast as her scrawny little @$$ can go…)

Kraden: DAMN IT! Why can't an older man have any fun around here?

Sol: Cause I can't lower myself to that level pervert…

Kraden: You said I'd get some!

Sol: (Blushes) I never said any such thing!

Kraden: Yes you did! I have the agreement right here! (pulls out a paper.)

Sol: … (Pulls out to knifes.) Well than…I'd usually let Kain handle this…Kraden… (Spins knifes.) You have outlived your usefulness!

Menardo: Honey! Where are you!?

Sol: O.O! Crap…gotta make this quick! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (Charges Kraden with knifes spinning really fast…)

Kraden: (Pulls out a cane and whacks sol on the head.)

Sol: Ouch! DAMN SENOIR CITIZEN! RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Kraden: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! **SNAP!** MY BRITTLE OLD MAN HIP!

Sol: ^_^ More to come! **WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR!** (In case ya didn't know those are the blades spinning…)

Kraden: **SPLATTER! SPLASH! SPLOOT!**

Sol: Ewwwwwwwwwwww…that was my good shirt…DAMN IT KRADEN YOU COST ME THIRTY BUCKS!

Menardo: GOT YA! (Grabs Sol.)

Sol: (Struggling to get away.) Let go! NASTY! LET GO OF ME!

Menardo: Awwwwwwwwwwwww…honey guess what?

Sol: …What?

Menardo: We're gonna get married! ^_^

Sol: O.O!? …LETGO! LETGO! LETGO! LETGO!

Menardo: Ohhhhhh…I knew you would be excited too! ^_^

Sol: (Crying as he realizes that he can't escape.)

Sol: I don't wanna marry you! Please! Let me go!

Menardo: All men say that but they're just lying to themselves! You really do want me!

Sol: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Crying openly now as he realizes that he can't reach his knifes…)

Menardo: I can hear the wedding bells ring!

Sol: HELP ME! ANYONE! (Gets dragged away.)

**(The recording/torture room.)**

Icy Cake: Ohhhhhhhhhhh…the pain…I just want to die…

Kain: One of those author things! ^_^ I've dislocated every bone in your body, broken and rebroken you back, twisted your spin repeatedly, and who knows what else and you wont die! ^_^ I love toys that don't break permanently!

Icy Cake: …(Starts to cry.) I just wanna go home!

Kain: Awwwwwww poor little Icy Cake! ^_^ Don't worry you get a break! I got to put Shadow back together and torture Kairi…so…I guess you get to go now! ^_^

Icy Cake: ^_^ THANK YOU!

Kain: Right after I put you on the stretcher of pain again!

Icy Cake: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! T_T

Kain: First the Shadow thing…he's an author, right? ^_^ I think I'll just put him in the dumpster and he can put himself back together! ^_^ That way I can spend more time with you and Kairi!

Icy Cake: T_T

Kain: (Throws Shadowthewindadept's bag of remains in a dumpster.)

Kairi: (Wakes up.)

Kairi: Ohhhhhh…were am I? (Sees Icy Cake strapped top the stretcher of pain.)

Kairi: O.O! Where am I!?

Kain: ^_^ I wouldn't worry about that! Now stay very still so I can stab you a few times!

Kairi: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Get away! (Pulls out Phaetons blade.)

Kain: ^_^ Ohhhh… (Pulls out his black sword.) Now we get to see who really IS better! I'm gonna have fun putting you in you place little girl! ^_^

Kairi: _ I'm gonna hurt you! You perverted &#^$%#!

Kain: -_-; Naughty language! Bad girl! (Charges Kairi.)

Kairi: SHUT THE FUC… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! **THUMP!**

Kain: …Awwwwwwwww…you didn't even try!

Icy Cake: -_-;

Kain: What a waste…bah! (Ringing sound.) Eh?

Icy Cake: What was that?

Kain: My pager…from Jenna. "HELP! DOCTORS EVIL! MUST KILL! COME QUICK!" ^_^ Yes! This is gonna be great! Bye, bye Icy Cake! (Warps Away.)

Icy Cake: …Wait! Let me off the table! Kain! _ You are so dead next time I see you…

**(The Church.)**

Sol: (Dressed up in a grooms outfit…and yes he is still crying…)

Menardo: Awwww! Tears of joy!

Sol: …Dumb Blond…

Menardo: ^_^ Okay honey I'm gonna walk down so wait for me by the priest man okay?

Sol: (Gets dragged to the priest.)

Catholic Priest: Why hello there young man! ^_^ Ya know if ya don't want the body builder I am available! ^_^

Sol: O.O!?

Catholic Priest: Why the shocked face my son? Tell you what just step into my office and we can have a little talk!

Sol: …WHY IS IT THAT ONLY THE FREAKS FIND ME ATTRACTIVE!?

Catholic Priest: ^_^ God loves you my son, and I do to so step into my office!

Sol: NO WAY!

Menardo: HEY! I TOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU PREIST! BUT YOU"RE TRYING TO TAKE ME TRUE LOVE FROM ME!

Sol: … ~Just kill me now…~

Catholic Priest: (Grabs Sol's arm.) HE"S MINE!

Menardo: (Grabs Sol's other arm.) MINE!

Sol: O.O!?!?

(They start a tug of war with Sol as the rope.)

Catholic Priest: MINE! ONLY I CAN TRULY PLEASE HIM!

Menardo: MINE! I GOT HIM FIRST!

Sol: HELP ME! ANYONE! PLEASE!

(Half an hour later…Menardo is pulling one side of Sol and the whole catholic church has the other side.)

Sol: x_x

Catholic Priest: Tell ya what we can split him!?

Sol: O.O!

Menardo: NO! ALL MINE! (Uses Super Nova on the Catholic Church.)

Catholic Church: (Extra Crispy…)

Menardo: MY LOVE!

Sol: …AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Uses Menardo's momentary lose grip to escape and run away.)

Menardo: YAY! HONEY MOON!

Sol: … O.O; ~Keep running, don't look back…~

**(The Fancy Room.)**

Icy Cake: **GROAN!** Everyone…please…come… here… **THUMP!**

Kain: (Warps in.) ^_^ Ah the treatment worked! (Begins cleaning blood of his sword and torture devices.)

Kairi: _ I hate you Kain!

Kain: Everyone does! ^_^

Jenna: ^_^ Finally back where it is safe!

Kairi: _ DIE JENNA! (Attacks Jenna.)

Jenna: x_x

Issac: (Shrugs)

Pikachu: Pika!

Issac: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Runs away.)

Kain: Eh? **SWISH! CHOP!**

Pikachu: **GURGLE**

Kain: ^_^ These make good eating if ya know how ta cook it right! ^_^ They can be a little stringy though…

Icy Cake: 0_o;;; Ehhhh…

Voices: Gaboing, Gaboing, Gaboing! (Alex and Mia arrive wrapped up in straight jackets.)

Alex: Bunnies!

Mia: Tasty bunnies!

Kain: …

Icy Cake: …Right…has anyone seen Sol?

Sol: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Runs by screaming like a little girl, with Menardo close behind.)

Menardo: MY LOVE! COME BACK!

Icy Cake: 0_o;;;;;; Uhhhhhh…

Kain: Just don't think about it… (Shudders)

Icy Cake: Alright the people that can be voted off today are…Alex or Issac…Kradens…ummmm…Kraden left the show! ^_^ So Issac or Alex get voted off today!

Kain: And now for a behind the scenes look at The Bachlorette! …The fic that violates your mind as soon as you open it up! ^_^

**(Coffee Room.)**

Kain: Mmmmmm such a nice CD… ^_^ Hey everyone! Sol's off somewhere trying to avoid his future…eh…wife/husband Menardo…he left this note…

The next update may take awhile cause of school, over my period of absence Icy Cake and I have created some pictures for the Bachlorette! So far we have a two pics of Icy Cake and myself, and I am working on a profile for all of the shows characters! So send me an email or ask for the pictures in your review! All the images a JPG and will be stuffed in a zip folder as soon as possible, so make sure you can open the folder. Please not that it may take awhile cause my account is kinda screwed up and…OH SHI… I GOTTA GO!

Sol Sabre

Kain: ^_^ Hehehehehehe…that's all! If ya want the pics just say so! Icy Cakes are more animeish while Sol's are kinda cartoonish… ^_^

Issac: (Rocking back and forth muttering to himself.)

Kain: -_-;

(Icy Cake and Kairi come into the Coffee room…wrapped in bandages…)

Kain: ^_^ Feeling better you two?

Icy Cake: Shut up…

Kairi: _

Kain: ^_^ See ya all later! Hope ya liked the new chapter! I know I did…not every day I get to torture Icy Cake… ^_^

**(In an undisclosed location.)**

Sol: -_-; Whew…Hi everyone! If I can't email ya guys you can get in tough with me at Planet Golden Sun's Forum at   ,m'kay? I have the same name there as I do here! ^_^ For now I'm safe from Menardo…so…check out this forum it's kinda nice! Especially if ya like to tease people! ^_^ Like me!

Menardo: SWEEEEEEEETY!

Sol: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Runs away.)

Menardo: HONEY BUN! COME BACK!

Sol: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


	6. Kain's Halloween bash!

Menardo: SUPER SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM SOL SABRE! READ! INVOLVES NEXT CHAPTER! WILL BE FUN IF YOU READ!

Agatio: Good god you are a noisy little &^!@#!

Menardo: **WHAM!** (Decks Agatio.) Don't use that language on me mister! _

Agatio: X.x

Sol: Well it's that time of year again…

Kain: Yup! ^_^

Icy Cake: What time of year is it?

Sol: … -_-;

Kain: ^_^; Naive today, eh?

Icy Cake: …Ummm…

Sol: Fine…you can do it Kain… -_-; I am going to regret this so much…

Kain: YES! (Pumps fist in air.)

Sol: Don't do anything I wouldn't do, m'kay?

Kain: ^_^ Of course!

Icy Cake: What's going on?

Sol: Send me an invitation when your ready, m'kay? I got nothing to do on the thirty first anyway. (Warps Away.)

Kain: Finally! ^_^ Hehehehehe…hello everyone…guess what!?

Everyone: …What?

Icy Cake: (Scratches head.) What are we doing?

Kain: IDIOTS! (Uses Pyroclasm on everyone.)

Everyone: X_X **SIZZLE**

Icy Cake: O.o Ummm…

Kain: Halloween is on the way! ^_^ And I'm gonna have a Halloween party! Sol's gonna let me run the show! No more censors or rules! I am in command for one chapter!

Icy Cake: O.O We're all gonna DIE! (Runs around in circles screaming like an idiot…)

Sol: (Warps back into fic.) There are some rules! Censoring will be a little lax…but content must be decent! Remember kids read these! (Looks at Icy Cake.) Meh… (Sticks out foot and trips here.)

Icy Cake: ACK! **WHAM!** x_x

Sol: No running in the fic…

Icy Cake: _ (Gets up.) BAKA! (Whacks Sol on the head with her fist, which just happens to be quite hard for a girls fist.)

Sol: OWCH! Jeez knock it off already! -_-; Females…I swear, they shorten the life of most males…

Icy Cake: Meh… _ Only when they are idiots all the time.

Sol: _ And what is THAT supposed to mean!?

Icy Cake: Nothing to a baka like you!

Sol: _ ME!? BAKA!? SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!

Icy Cake: DIE! (Lunges at Sol.)

Sol: AFTER YOU! (Lunges at Icy Cake.)

(They start fighting…duh!)

Kain: -_-; Eh…odd pair aren't they? _ Back to business! Stupid little kids…stupid rules…just gimme an axe and some addresses and I'll…

Icy Cake: (Stops hitting Sol with a hammer.) 0.o Not the little kids Kain!?

Sol: (Stops hitting Icy Cake with a baseball bat.) Eh…what she said.

Kain: Stupid little kids. (Goes off to sulk in a corner.)

Sol: Okay everyone…Kain is pissed off right now so… (Shrugs) I am allowing Kain to throw a party in honor of Halloween, the weirdest, most useless holiday on the planet, aside from Columbus Day! Want to come and have some fun? Leave a review saying so and you can be at the party! ^_^ All that is needed is a review that says, "I want to come." And a description costume that you're gonna wear. If you want to put in lots of detail an email address is required so I can get back to you. Please remember stuff should be appropriate for people of all ages.

Icy Cake: WE"RE NOT DONE YET! BAKA! **WHAM!** (Bashes Sol on the head.)

Sol: OWCH! _ BAKA! (The fight resumes.)

Kain: _ We could get rid of those kids…then could we have some real fun!?

Sol: (Fight stops again.) O.o Ummm…no…anyway leave a review, original GS cast will be here for the party even if no one else is. We need to make preparations for the party and everyone must help so in your review or email leave one of the following as your job. The areas we need help in are decorating, gather supplies for the party, cooking, entertainment, and finally clean up afterwards. I need to divide people evenly between the jobs so everything will run as smoothly as possible…which means that this will be a very rough ride… -_-; Eh…I need a drink…my head hurts…

Kain: _ Speak for yourself, you're not the one that just got pulled off a ship, and drowned in the freezing waters of the north sea!

Sol: Eh…sorry bought that.

Kain: You're not sorry enough! _

Sol: O.O!? (Sees that he is surrounded by a very pissed off Kain and Icy Cake.)

Sol: I am gonna hurt so bad…

Kain: ^_^ Hehehehehe…

Icy Cake: ^_^ Yup!

Sol: Ummm…I am outta here! (Warps away.)

Icy Cake: _ That chicken! He retreated! _ Grrrrrr…well I need to go for now…Bye! (Warps away.)

Kain: _ …Bakas… Anyway all of you people are invited I guess…sign up quick so I can finish this party and get back to the real fun stuff! Like killing doctors, dentist, lawyers, politicians, reviewers, Sol, and Kairi Flamebreeze!

Everyone: Whimper…

Kain: Let me rephrase that…sign up for the party or all of you will be murdered in your sleep.

Everyone: O.O! (Frantically starts to review fic.)

Kain: ^_^ Yes be good little guys and review so we can throw a party! It's gonna be great! _ It would be better if I got rid of those kids though… (Walks off to hunt down little kids.

Sol: (Warps in again.) Ah I forgot to mention…this party's gonna be a little break from the main show, after we finish it we'll get right back to "The Bachlorette!" ^_^; So if you have yet to be on the show now is your chance to make an appearance…without being humiliated in horrible, undignified ways! ^_^; Hehehehehe…see ya at the party! (Warps away)


	7. The VERY late Halloween chapter

(Very insane, weird, odd and possibly debilitating to those of you that actually use your brain. If you require your brain to perform complex task, such as tying your shoes, performing dangerous stunts, ect. You probably should not read any further…for your own safety of course.)

KAIN'S HALLOWEEN PARTY!

Warning this fic may turn you into a mindless vegetable.

…I'm not lying…look…I need help; this fic is proof of that, now if you want to remain a sane and normal member of society read no further!

…Well…don't say I didn't warn you… ^___________^;

(It's a dark cold night at Kain's house, a nice little place, painted black…you can tell it's Kain's because the front yard is littered with body parts and…other…things, and a ebony fountain is shooting blood into the air… -_- And the plate of his black Jaguar says "killdem…the bumper sticker says "I will eat your heart out!"

(Inside Kain's house)

Sol: (Leaning against the wall…which is adorned with various torture devices) Eh…when will this thing start Kain?

(Kain is making punch…err…out of…bad things…there's an ear floating in it. –The ear is copyright of Shadowthewindadept! ^_~- )

Kain:  As soon as the guest arrive! Hey where's your costume? Where is Icy Cake?

Sol: Costume…eh… O.O!? Shoot! I forgot to pick up Icy Cake! She's gonna kill me! I promised I'd bring her here…since she has trouble using her author powers… I'll be back soon! Be good! (Runs out the door.)

Kain: Hehehe…good…now I can get into my costume…and I have this place all to myself! ^_^

**CRACK! SNAP! ARGH!**

Kain: Meh…need to work on the doorbell again…scream needs to go up an octave. (Opens door, Kairi and Shadowthewindadept are at the door. Shadow is Samurai man…nothing impressive; Kairi is Gothic babe…that explains a lot, eh? ^_^)

Kairi&Shadow: We're here! (They step into the doorway.)

Kain: _ Dammit! **SLAM!** (Slams the door in their faces.)

(Outside.)

Kairi: THAT FREAK! I'LL KILL HIM! (She's actually clawing at the door… -_-;)

Shadow: I tink he boke my nosg! T_T (Is in severe pain)

Kairi: What? (Stops clawing the door)

Shadow: He boke my nosg!

Kairi: Stop talking funny! (Hits Shadow in the face)

**CRUNCH!**

Shadow: ARGH! YOU BOKE MY NOSG AGIN!

Kairi: Oh…he broke your nose…

Shadow: YETH! _

Kairi: It's just a bit of broken cartilage… _ (Pounds on door.) OPEN UP KAIN!

Kain: (From other side of door) Why should I?

Kairi: CAUSE IF YOU DON'T I'll KILL YOU!

Kain: Ha! Go ahead and try gothic girl!

Kairi: _ (Turns into her Kawaii demon form!)

Sol: Awwwwwwwww! Kawaii! (Hugs demon Kairi)

Kairi: The hell? O.o

Kain: Is that Sol? You just left! _

Sol: Saw Kairi on my way down the street! KAWAII! (Hugs Kairi tighter, also Kawaii means "cute" in Japanese.)

Kairi: _ DIE! (Begins to glow)

Sol: Err…I am so out of here! (Warps away)

Shadow: O.O!? (Dives behind a car.)

(5 seconds later)

(Kain's house, The neighborhood it's in, and everything else in a three miles radius has been vaporized.)

Kairi: (Is gothic girl again) DAMN IT! SOL GOT AWAY! _ (Looks at rubble around her, Kain is no where to be seen)) HE'S DEAD! YES! (Pumps fist in the air.)

Kain: (Rises from the rubble of his house.) No I'm not!

Kairi: &^#%! _ %@*!&^% Censor!

Kain: Meh…now where will I hold the party? Huh? (Bus drives up to the house…or what was the house. The door opens and a dice rolls out.)

Dice: Thanks for the lift! Now where am I?

Kairi: A dice? (Pokes it with Shadows corpse…Kain's car didn't really protect him very well…and the license plate is lodged in his @$$…)

Dice: Hey! Knock it off!

Kain: …Costume… (Starts looking trough rubble for his costume.)

Kairi: I HATE DICE! AND GAMES! AND HAPPY THINGS! DIE! (Attacks dice.)

Dice: WAUGH! GET AWAY!

Shadow: x_x

Kairi: DIE! DIE! DIE! ALL HAPPY THINGS MUST DIE! (Using Shadow as a club.)

Shadow: **WHAP!** X_x **WHAP!** x_X **WHAP!** x_x **WHAP!** X_X

Kain: And she says she is not a Goth…right…ah ha! (Pulls some smoldering cloths from the rubble.)

Shadow: What…is…that? (Near death)

Kain: My costume! Watch as I become… BOOM! (Insert fireworks and red mist here.) Michael Myers! The creepy dude from the Halloween movies! ^_^ (Is dressed as Michael Myers)

Shadow: O.O!? (Begins to crawl away.)

Kairi: (Stops chasing the dice) Michael Myers! Can I have your autograph!?

Kain: ^_^ No.

Kairi: But you're my hero!

Kain: I bet that you are blond underneath that black dye…

Kairi: KAIN!? I'D KNOW THAT VOICE ANYWHERE! HOW DARE YOU!?

Kain: ^_^ Hehehe…

Voice: I SAID NO BLOND JOKES! (Girl dressed in green walks up she looks like Saria from the Legend of Zelda Orcania of time.)

Kain: …Who are you?

Girl: I am Dreamie! Ya know! From the forum!? . Anyway Sol was not supposed to do any more blond jokes…

Kain: …I made that joke.

Dreamie: _ DIE! (Punches Kain.)

Kain: Hehehehe…that tickled! ^_^

Dreamie: T_T I suck…

Kain: Yup! (Has anyone here noticed that every girl I meet gets insulted and offended by me? Well…excluding Icy Cake, but that's not the point. -_-; I suck…)

(Behind the rubble.)

Dice: Whew… (Rolls over to shadow.) Hey! Buddy! Roll me!

Shadow: Uh…okay… (Rolls the dice, he gets a six.)

Shadow: Now what?

Dice: Awww to bad, you rolled an unlucky number…

Shadow: So?

Dice: DIE! **WHAM! SPLAT! CRUNCH!**

Shadow: X_X

Dice: This was such a good idea…where's the party?

Kain: Uh…vaporized… ^_^ I know! Let's go over to Sol's place!

Kairi: Sol has a house of his own!?

Kain: Nah…he just hangs out there! Lets go! (Writes a note.) Everyone will meet us there!

(Kain's note says

Dear peoples that actually wanted to come to the party, it's not here. Kairi the mean lady vaporized the whole neighborhood, the party will be held at Sol's pad, meet us there.

PS: If you don't show up…I want you all to know…that I know where you live…

Sincerely, Kain.

(Sol's place.)

(Sol's place is a large, luxurious apartment…however it has absolutely nothing it, cept for a table, some chairs, a couch, a TV and a few video game systems…oh yeah! A computer too!)

Kairi: Whew…nice place…I never knew Sol had a place of his own…

Kain: ^_^ He doesn't, he just wishes that he did…this is a plot device, anyway this place wont be so nice and neat for long… (Pulls a coffin out of his pocket.)

Kairi: How the…

Kain: ^_^ Hehehe…just a decoration… (Pulls out plastic garbage bag filled with…something.

Shadow: What's that?

Kain: ^_^ Your old body from chapter 5… ^_^ I saved it for the party. (Doorbell rings.) Hmmm…Ah! My special guest!

Everyone: ?

Kain: (Opens the door.)

Hannibal: Good evening…

Kain: It's Hannibal the cannibal! I am your greatest fan! Here have a cookie!

Hannibal: Munch, munch, munch…hmmm…

Kain: … ~He better like it or…~ (Is caressing the handle of his Katana) ^_^; So?

Hannibal: These are the best cookies I have had in a long time…have any wine as well Mr…

Kain: Kain.

Hannibal: Ah…Kain. Do you have any wine…some fresh meat by any chance?

Kain: No wine…fresh meat? Of course… (Points at Kairi.) Doesn't get much fresher than that! ^_^

Kairi: WHAT!?

Hannibal: Mmmm…Goths tend to be rather stringy…

Kairi: _

Kain: Yeah, so I've heard. If you wait a while I'm sure we could find someone worthy of your taste though! (Glances at Dreamie.)

Dreamie: O.O!? (Hides under a table.)

Kairi: ARE YOU SAYING I'M NOT WORTHY OF BEING EATEN BY A CANNABLE!?

Kain&Hannibal: Yes.

Kairi: I AM! _

Hannibal: She has quite the temper…alas I must go! Mind if I take some of your cookies with me?

Kain: Of course! They're on the house! Come back later and maybe someone suitable of your greatness will be here!

Hannibal: Of course…(Grabs cookies.) Now then…where are you Clarice? (Walks out the door.)

Kain: YES! HANNABLE LECTER KNOWS MY NAME! (Pumps fist in the air.)

Kairi: I don't see what's so great about him…

Kain: He eats people, skins them alive! Makes them swallow their own tongue! Causes immense pain and suffering! HOW COULD HE NOT BE GREAT!?

Dreamie: …I am never coming to one of these parties again…

**Ding! Dong!**

Kain: What a crappy doorbell…come in!

(Door opens and a whole crowd of people flood into the room.)

King Arthur: Nice place…

Pac man: I AM HUNGRY!

Catholic Priest: Where are the little boys? I MUST HAVE MY LITTLE BOYS!

Everyone: …Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! :P

Catholic Priest: …I did not say anything…

Spawn: You sick man…

Catholic Priest: Speak for yourself demon…

Spawn: Is that a challenge!?

Catholic Priest: Yes! DIE! (Pulls out a crucifix.)

Spawn: HISSSSSSSSSSS! (Makes a warding gesture.) Keep it away! It burns us! HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Priest: …Whatever…

Glider: BLAM! (Fires off a gun.)

Everyone: … AHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Running around in panic.)

Glider: They're fake! See? (Aims at Shadow.) BLAM!

Shadow: X_X

Everyone: …

Kairi: (Pokes Shadow with a stick.)

Glider: Uh… (Hides the gun.)

Kain: WHO THE HELL ARE ALL OF YOU PEOPLE!?

Glider: I am Kevin C…

Priest: Enigma.

Dice: Tiger.

King Arthur: PGS.

Spawn: DeepCoiler…Kain I am your biggest fan! Can I have your autograph!?

Kain: I have a fan? (In shock.) Uh…okay. Need some ink though...ahh! (Dips pen in Shadows…uh…bodily fluids.) Here ya go! (Hands DeepCoiler an autograph.)

DeepCoiler: ^_^ Yes!

Kain: Hmmm…lets start the party then…BOOZE FOR EVERYONE! (Hands out drinks.)

Everyone: Yay! ^_^

(Half an hour into the party.)

Everyone: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

Kain: Light weights… (Downs his fiftieth shot of booze)

Kairi: Pass me another! Hic! ^_^

Shadow: Here! Here! (Has a pair of boxers on his head…don't ask who they belong to…you probably don't want to know…)

Kairi: Hi! ^_^ (Sits in Kain's lap) Anyone ever tell you… Hic! That you're… Hic! Cute Kainy?

Kain: …Anyone ever tell you how much booze you should and should not drink? (Pushes Kairi off his lap)

**THUMP!** (Pretty heavy for a girl, eh? ^_^)

(Doors opens, Sol and Icy Cake walk in.)

Sol: (Jaw drops.) What the…

Icy Cake: Anyway you said it's in the bedroom and… (See's everyone) What…

Sol: Well…I…uh…why the hell are you guys even here? I thought the party was at your place Kain!?

Kain: Kairi vaporized it…say…why are you guys here anyway?

Sol: (Blushing) We Just stopping by to pick up our costumes…

Kain: ^_^ Oh really…why is Icy Cake's costume here?

Sol: (Blushing) It just is!

Icy Cake: (Blushing) Yeah! Sol picked it up for me…

Kain: ^_^ You're blushing…hehehe…

Sol&Icy Cake: (Both very red) We just stopped to pick up our costumes!

Kain: Sure you did…

Icy Cake: Where are they anyway Sol?

Sol: Upstairs closet…I'll get em… _ GET YOUR DRUNKEN @$$ OFF MY FLOOR! (Kicks Shadow and Kairi.)

Kairi: Whasha? (Drools)

Shadow: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

Sol: _ (Stomps upstairs.)

Icy Cake: …I have just the thing to wake them up! (Pulls out a bottle) Super duper Hangover maker 5000! Amplifies headaches caused by Hangovers by thousands of times! ^_^ (Pours it into everyone's mouths.)

(5 minutes later…everyone is screaming in intense pain as their minds are torn to bits by convulsive headaches.)

Kain: Damn…I should have brought my tape recorder… T-T I should be recording this! It's beautiful!

Sol: (Comes downstairs) Here's your costume Icy Cake! ^_^ (Hands her a parcel.)

Icy Cake: Thanks! ^-^ I'll be back in a minute! (Goes into a vacant room, and slams the door shut.)

Kain: What's you costume again?

Sol: This! (Is dressed in what he's usually dressed in) Nothing new…I never really enjoyed Halloween…besides if I REALLY wanted to be something all I need to do is use my author powers! ^_~

Kain: Hmmm…

SREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! **WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!** YOU PERVERT! GET OUT!

Sol: ?

Kain: ?

Tiger: WAHHHHHH! I DIDN'T MEAN TO ICY CAKE! STOP HURTING ME! ARGH!

(Silence)

Sol: -_-; (Walks into the room.) Icy Cake? What's going on in here…

Icy Cake: PERVERT! **WHAM!** (Sol is launched out of the room like a friggin rocket.)

Sol: AHHHHHH! **CRASH!** (Goes through a window.) …**THUMP!**

Icy Cake: (Come out dressed in Ninja gear.) Sol? (Looks out window.) Oh…oppsies…I thought you were Tiger… ^_^; (Puts her katana over her shoulder) This is my costume! What da ya think Kain?

Kain: ^_^ It's nice…however you still look like crap!

Icy Cake: T-T But you just said the costume was nice!

Kain: Sure IT is, you on the other hand…

Icy Cake: _ DIE! (Throws Katana at Kain)

**SWISH! SWISH! THUNK!**

Kain: …SWEET! You hit Kairi! ^_^ High five!

Icy Cake: I MISSED DAMIT!

Kain: (Staring at Icy Cake.)

Icy Cake: What's your problem! _

Kain: Oh nothing…just letting my imagination wander…

Icy Cake: Pervert…

Kain: ^_^ Everyone! Get drunk and be merry!

Everyone: (Still screaming in pain thanks to Icy Cakes hangover amplifier)

(Outside)

Sol: (Bleeding on the ground, which I will point out is four stories below Sol's pad) Owwwwwwwwwwww…it hurts so bad… T-T

(Inside)

Everyone: (Recovered from their individual hangovers) Party! Woooooooooo!

Kain: YES PARTY! MAY SATAN TAKE OUR SOULS!

Everyone: O.O;;;

Kain: Sorry… (Sees the calendar) O.O!? What the… _ Look at this! It's November twenty eighth!

Everyone: WHAT!? (Looking at calendar)

Icy Cake: Halloween was the thirty first…this chapters is…way past the deadline…

Everyone: _

Kain: _ (So angry that he has broken his sword over his knee) SOL! YOU ARE SO VERY DEAD WHEN I GET YOU! (Runs downstairs)

Everyone: _ DIE! (Following Kain)

(Outside)

Sol: T-T I am in so much trouble… ~Mental note, remember to have cyanide pill placed in tooth once out of hospital…~ I've been so busy…I try to keep my deadlines…

Kain: (Standing over Sol) Deadlines!? IT'S NOVEMBER TWENTY EIGHTH! YOUR TWENTY EIGHT DAYS BEHINED SCEHDUAL YOU LAMER!

Sol: Err…I've been busy.

Kain: And do you think that means you can leave all of us hanging for twenty four whole days!?

Sol: (Looking at the massive, angry crowd) Uh…I said I'm sorry!

Kairi: Not as sorry as your gonna be! (Pulls out a steel chain)

Everyone else: _ (Pulls out various weapons, sharp sticks, broken beer bottles, rusty saws, ect.)

Sol: O.O Uh… (On his knees) T-T PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!

Everyone: _ KILL! KILL! KILL!

Icy Cake: Wait!

Everyone: ?

Icy Cake: …We can do some thing far worse to him!

Everyone: Really?

Sol: -_-;;; **Sigh** Like what?

Icy Cake: (Pulls out an envelope) ^_^

Sol: NO WAY! (Runs)

Kain: _ (Knocks Sol down with wind blast) Now what is that?

Icy Cake: Remember when Sol got transformed?

Everyone: Yeah…

Icy Cake: ^_^ I made a few…modifications to the powder…

Sol: … **Whimpers**

Everyone: ^_^ Use it! Then we can kill him!

Icy Cake: ^_^ (Uses envelope on Sol)

Sol: No! (Struggles) No more humiliation! (Cries) **POOF**

Icy Cake: ^_^

Everyone: …

Sol: T.T (Is a black version of kitty-Chan.)

Everyone: That's it!? _

Sol: I feel…weird…hey!? Why's my voice so high?

Icy Cake: ^_^ Isn't she cute!?

Everyone: She? … ^_^

Sol: O.O!? SHE!? WHAT!? (Looks down) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Freaks out…wouldn't you if you suddenly gained…uh…never mind… ^_^; And no I do not dream of being female, I just needed a new plot device…and a costume… **Sigh** Besides no one expected me to do something "normal," right? If so you're an idiot!)

Kain: ^_^ Okay…we humiliate him…err…her first, then we hurt her later!

Sol: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! T-T As if I hadn't suffered enough! NOW I'M A GIRL! T-T I FEEL SO VIOLATED! (Crying)

Kain: ^_^ (Pulls out a school girls dress, ya know those ones from the anime shows, really short…and…err…revealing.) Lets make him…err…HER put it on!

Everyone: YEAH!

Sol: (In a puddle of tears) Why me!? T-T

Icy Cake: Be quite kitty! (Puts a collar with a bell around his…her neck.)

Sol: Not a bell! T-T Not a dress!

Icy Cake: ^_^ (Puts a leash on her…)

Sol: Wahhh… T-T I'm a girl…I feel like killing something…must be a normal female thing.

All Females in the room: _*

Sol: Uh… **GULP** I mean…err…

Icy Cake: Quiet kitty! Put on the dress!

Sol: No!

Kain: ^_~ I can take care of this! (Glows) I call upon my awesome powers…to do that, which should not be done!

**KABOOM!**

Sol: (Instantaneous warp/time shift into an altered reality via means of a reduced temporal flux through a mesa bionic vacuum has instantaneously placed Sol in the school girls dress.)

Sol: Eeeeeeeeeeek! NO! (Blushing)

Tiger: (Rolls into the room) Wow there! ^_^ A cute lil kitty…and she's a she! (Drools)

Sol: _* (Has gained a very short fuse, a trademark of all females… ^_~)

Tiger: Hey kitty…wanna come over to my place for dinner this evening?

Sol: _* (About five seconds from going into a blood thirsty rampage)

Tigger: Hehehe…you can roll my dice any day lady! ^_^

Sol: **SNAP!** (In case you were wondering…that was Sol's patience…) ROAR! (Attacks Tiger)

Tiger: Ah! She's feisty! ^_^ Come here pretty kitty!

Sol: O.O!? (In shock) P…pretty?

Tiger: Here kitty! Come here my sweetums!

Sol: _* Grrrrrrrrrrrr… (Foaming at the mouth)

Icy Cake: O.O!? (Hides behind Kain)

Kain: … (Hides behind the crowd)

Crowd: (Hides behind Tiger)

Tiger: (To clueless to know that his life is very real danger) Pussycat! Pussycat! I loooooove you! Yes I doooooooooo! ~And yes this is a real song…whoever thought it up was on crack, I'm sure of it.~

Sol: _* GRRRRRRRRRR… O ROOOOOOAR! (Leaps on Tiger)

Tiger: ARGH! Get it off! Get the kitty off! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Blood and body parts begin to fly)

Icy Cake: O.O! Holy! He killed him, err she killed him…

Kain: …Well…this means I don't need to go shopping for groceries… ^_^

Everyone: Ewwwwwwwwwwww…

Sol: (Still foaming at the mouth) All…shall…DIE! o

Icy Cake: _* Bad kitty! (Holding onto leash tightly) No kill! (Pulls on leash…hard)

Sol: (Gagging)

Everyone: ^_^;;;;

Kain: Okay! Back to the party! Icy Cake will take care of…her. ^_^

Sol: T_T (Crying bitter tears)

Icy Cake: Awww…so cute when you're sad.

Sol: I hate my life…and I hate these female undergarments! T-T

Everyone: ^_^; **Cough** (Snickering)

Sol: SHUT UP! O

Icy Cake: Awww so cute when she's angry! KAWAII! (Ties a pink bow around her neck) So cute! (Hugs really tightly)

Sol: Can't…breath…choking… x_x

Icy Cake: I'm gonna get kitty a bra!

Sol: T-T (Is hating himself for doing this to himself)

Kain: ^_^ Anyway…DRINK UP! (Uses a mop to clean up Tiger…or at least the scattered pieces that were Tiger…) Stupid Tiger…made a big mess on the floor… ^__^ At least I don't need to make another trip to the black market! Anyway you guys may have noticed that you don't need to make nay preparations, that's due to the fact that Sol is way to lazy to write that much…once again he went over his head and nearly drowned in his own foolishness…he… (Looks at Sol) Uh… "SHE" never learns! ^_^

Sol: _ Keep it up and you're gonna remain dead for all eternity!

Kain: T-T Okay…I'll be…better… (In case ya didn't know, Kain's dead. He got drowned in the Final Trial, no biggy! ^_^)

Icy Cake: (Holds up a bra) Here kitty!

Sol: _ NEVER! (Uses author powers to put him…herself into normal cloths…)

Icy Cake: Awww… T-T I spent money on this!

Sol: Shut up! _*

Enigma: **Sigh** Puts hand on Sol's back) It's alright my child, feel the comfort of our lord. (Slides hand down the back of Sol's shirt)

Sol: OoO!? EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK! (Jumps away) YOU DIRTY MAN! _

Kain: (Snickers)

Icy Cake: Enigma! _ Go after one of the boys! NOT HER!

Enigma: Oh…right…come here Shadow!

Shadow: Get away from me! (Runs)

Enigma: COME BACK! (Runs after him)

DeepCoiler: Errrr…right…whatever… -_-

Icy Cake: Hey…the whole GS cast was supposed to be here…where are they.

Kain: I dunno… (Look at Sol) H…she's the author…

Icy Cake: Sol?

Sol: Well I was feeling lazy so…they were…detained…

(The mall)

Clerk: Deeper!

Menardo: YES! DEEPER!

Mia: NO DEEPER!

Saturos: If you even… O.O OH MY GOD!

Clerk: Free cavity searches for everyone! ^_____________^

Alex: By the power of Alchemy… O.O ARGH! NOT THE WISE ONE!

Wise One: NO! NOT IN THERE! **MURPH!**

Alex: OH GOD! THE PAIN! T____________T

Wise One: Murph! MURPH! (Translation: GET ME THE $%#& OUT OF HERE!)

GS cast: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Mall people: DEEPER! DEEPER! DEEPER! DEEPER!

Menardo: YES DEEPER! GO DEEPER!

Felix: O.o And he's enjoy this? Oh my god… (Vomits)

(Back at the party)

Sol: I'm sure they'll be here any minute…

Everyone: WHO CARES! PARTY! (It resumes)

Sol: T-T I'm just going to sit here and dream of a quick death.

(The next morning)

Everyone: Moan…

Kain: Uh…Icy Cake…bad idea to mix all of that Hangover stuff with the booze…

Icy Cake: *Yawn!* Like I care about them? Ohhh Kitty? Where are you?

Sol: T-T (Still crying in a corner)

Icy Cake: Crybaby…

Sol: I'LL TURN YOU INTO A GUY AND WE'LL SEE WHO CRYS! _

Icy Cake: Err…KAWAII! ( Hugs Sol)

Sol: x_x (Is unconscious)

Everyone: … (Crawls away in pain)

Kain: (Recording everything) ^_____^ I never knew Sol had a recorder! Happy Halloween! Also…you guys better get drunk, this chapter really sucks…

Sol: NO SHIT SHERLOCK! _

Icy Cake: Bad kitty! Dirty mouth! (Gags Sol)

Sol: T-T

(The break room)

Sol: I cant believe I lowered myself even further in this chapter…have I no shame?

Kain: None at all! ^_^

Icy Cake: ^_^; (Nods her head)

Sol: T-T This is so unfair…I try!

Icy Cake: We'll you should not make promises you cant keep.

Kain: Especially to me.

Sol: T-T I said I was sorry… **Sigh** Okay everyone here is the deal, when you review this please tell me if you want a Sol humiliation chapter, or a new chapter of the actual show, I wont write both of em, so make your decision. Popular vote will win of course.

Kain: _ Not fair!

Sol: NO DUH! I'm a friggin cat for crying out loud! And I'm a girl too! _* Nest thing you know someone will turn me into a blond or something!

Dreamie: THAT'S IT! GIVE ME THAT CAT!

Sol: :P You couldn't get me if you tried!

Dreamie: _ (Pulls out a shotgun)

Sol: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BLOND WITH A GUN! RUN!

Dreamie: **BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!**

Kain: All in all this turned out better than excepted… ^_^; Cept that it was late… (Grabs Sol) Now remember…you have a very important vote to make…should we make the next chapter a Sol bashing chapter? Or continue with our regularly scheduled program? You decide!

Sol: … **Gulp!** Uh…err…make the "right" choice everyone…AND WHEN I CAN I TURN BACK INTO A GUY!? _

Icy Cake: ^_^ We just have to wait and see what the reviewers want, isn't that right Kain?

Kain: Uh huh… ^_^

Sol: Don't tell me I need to spend my hard earned money on tampons and panties…and bras and girl crap! T-T

**BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!**

Sol: Yagh! Lemme go! She'll kill me!

Icy Cake: Don't worry…I gave her blank rounds…

Dreamie: … NO %#*@!*& WAY! _ I wanted to KILL HIM! …Her…

Sol: T-T My suffering never ends…

~Ya know what's funny though? I'm typing this…hmmm…humiliation and kinkiness is good…

…

REVIEW! OR YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR GENDER CHANGED! ^_______^ Then I'll let Kraden and Kain play with you for a little while!

Kain: Yay! ^____^ (Preparing the stretcher of pain)

Kraden: I have plenty of lubrication! (Holding a bottle of Vaseline)

Sol: Urk! (Trying not to puke)

Kraden: **Cracks leather whip** Give me the little boys and girls! **SNAP!**

Sol: … -_- I really need some help…badly…especially if I'm writing what's above…however I suppose it IS still PG13…I think…even if it violates your mind.

WXPM3000SP- **PREPARE TO BE VIOLATED.**

Sol: …(Looks down) A little late for that…

WXPM3000SP: **DAMN…**

Sol: …I am so tired of this, I think I'm chafing… _ **POOF!** (Is back to normal) I swear that this is the worst thing I have ever written…he, people that are reading this…tell me…did you think it was funny? And if so…WHY? WHY THAT HECK IS SO FUNNY ABOUT IT!? _

Kain: Your just mad about what you did to yourself! ^_^

Sol: NO duh! (Looks down, is still in dress) _ I…want…to…kill…something…

Kain: I wouldn't blame you… ^_^

Sol: _ **POOF!**

Kain: In the middle of the ocean) Well…$#!*! _ **POOF!** (A chain attached to a huge metal weight appears around his waist) Err… Blurp! Borbble…blub…blorp… (In case you couldn't tell, he's sinking)

Sol: ^____________^ Much better!

Kain: X_X

Sol: ^_^ Anyway I would appreciate your comments, suggestions, ect…also I am not making anymore promises, I have work, school and Baldur's Gate ll to deal with so my time is limited…I'll update when I can, but that's it. If you want to help things move faster email me some suggestions cause I'm temporarily out of ideas, either that or wait. (Shrugs)

Icy Cake: T-T I want kitty… *Tugs leash*

Sol: -_-;;;; Err…

Icy Cake: T-T *Tugs*

Sol: _ Grrrrrrrrrrrr…

Icy Cake: Ohhhhh… *Tugs* So cute when mad…

Sol: _ Excuse me…DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Leaps at Icy Cake with knives drawn)

Icy Cake: O.O Eeeeeeeeeeek! **Thump!** x_x

Sol: So slow… (Takes off leash) Now post a review… (Points knife at you) I know where you live… _ I mean it kiddos…and the humiliation thing IS OFF! NADA! NO! NEVER! _ I'm tired of doing this to myself! Next chapter is "The Bachlorette!" And if I feel like maybe I will right a Christmas chapter, no promises! (Warps Away)

PS: If I read any smart ass reviews you are so dead… (Drags knifes across each other) Oh…and Shadow STILL has that license plate up his @$$, I don't think he noticed it yet…


	8. A one day late Christmas special!

This is special chapter…for Christmas! ^_^ And it's actually on time! Well…sort of… Also, it's very long…but it's for Christmas so you should have the time to read it all…

(Warning, if you take Christmas very seriously, or jokes about sexual preferences offend you. Don't read this. However, if you DO like such jokes and do not find them offensive, read and enjoy! ^-^ And be kind and donate a few reviews…it keeps me going, makes the writing process go much faster, cept when I'm really busy! Which is most of the time… T-T

_A Bachlorette Christmas_

Narrator: Once upon a time there were three little girl adepts; they were the cutest adepts in Vale. One burned like a fire, her name was Jenna. The second was a cold hearted @&!*% named Mia, she was as cold as ice…

Jenna: ^_^

Narrator: She was a heartless @&!*%!

Jenna: _ Hey! I have a heart… T-T

The second was a cold hearted @&!*% named Mia, she was as cold as ice…

Mia: Hey! T-T

Narrator: Shut up… **cough** the last was an idiot, mute blond girl named Sheba, she was the most unattractive of the bunch.

Sheba: T-T

Narrator: ^-^ These young girls were the best of a bad bunch.

The girls: Hey! T-T

Narrator: These heartless sluts…

Sol: That's it Kain! Stop! (Stomps over) I want to make some reviews off this chapter, so step down and let me take over! I wont have you insulting the girls! _*

Kain: Bah! Fine…meanie.

Sol: **Cough!** Ahem…these beautiful young girls were accepted onto the greatest show ever, the Bachlorette, and today we have a celebration, of Christmas, a wonderful holiday in which we pass around gifts, eat food, put up a tree…

Jenna: Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus! ^_^ (Is happy cause she actually knows something)

Kain: Jesus? Who's Jesus?

Sol: ……

Jenna: ……

Everyone: …… -_-;

Kain: …What?

Sol: Nothing…just…you go get the tree okay?

Kain: Okay! ^_^ How hard can it be to find a tree? (Walks outside)

Sol: Eh…Icy Cake…Jenna, Mia. Come with me, we're going to prepare the food! ^_^

Icy Cake: We're going to cook!?

Jenna: Cool! Let's go to the grocery store!

Mia: AND THE MALL! ^_^

Icy Cake: YEAH! ^_^ Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!?

Sol: …… -_-; Okay, the Mall too…

Girls YES! (Pump fist in the air)

Felix: What are we supposed to do?

Sol: Get the decorations, and prepare the house, m'kay?

Felix: Okay! ^_^ Come on guys! I'll get the lights! Garet, Ivan, you get the decorations!

Garet: Yay! …What's a decoration? O.o?

Felix: **Sigh** Look for shiny breakable objects, those are decorations…

Garet: Okay! ^_^

Ivan: **Sigh** This is going to hurt, I just know it…

Felix: Alex and Picard can make some more snow…

Alex: Make some snow, okay, right after I do my hair! ^_^ (Pulls out a bag of fifty different hair products)

Picard: YAY! HAIR PRODUCTS! (They skip off to do their hair…)

Felix: -_-; Isaac and Menardo can get the mistle toe hung…

Menardo: Ohhhh… ^______^ such a manly job… (Gives Isaac a squeeze…you can guess where… -_-;)

Isaac: O.O!

Felix: Saturos and Babi can get the firewood…

Babi: … (In coffin)

Saturos: This is going to be easy… ^_^

Felix: And Kraden…

Kraden: (Is dressed in leather with a bull whip at his side) Yes?

Felix: Err…you can have the most important job! Chase away any Carolers that come here!

Kraden: Yay! Can I play with the ones I catch?

Felix: Err…sure… (Shudders)

Kraden: Yay!

Sol: Uh…okay…everyone! To work! Christmas is only…err…a short ways away…also I'm sure everyone already bought presents for everyone else…

Everyone: …

Sol: …Right?

Everyone: ……

Sol: -_-; Okay, once you're done with stuff go get whoever you want presents! Okay?

Everyone: ^_^ Okay!

Sol: **Sigh** Good…now…to work! (Runs outside)

Girls: (Run outside)

**_(Outside)_**

Icy Cake: … O.o?(Hears screeching tires) What's that sound? OoO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Sol's beat up car comes flying around the corner at 50 mph)

Sol: Weeeeeeeeeeeee! (Slams the breaks, the car rolls over to land on its wheels next to Icy Cake, Jenna and Mia)

Icy Cake: (Is in a snow pile)

Jenna: (Is curled into a sobbing ball)

Mia: (Has wet her dress)

Sol: Hop in! …Err…Mia…why is your dress wet?

Mia: CAUSE YOU SCARED THE FRIGGIN $%!^ out of me! o

Sol: Err… (Uses author powers to put her in new, not wet clothes) Hop in! ^_^

Jenna: (Opens front door to hop in)

Sol: This seat is reserved for MY co-host! _

Jenna: Err…sorry…

Icy Cake: -_-; (Gets in)

Sol: ^_^

Jenna: (hops into back of car) Let's goooooooooooooooo! AGH! (Falls down inside the car)

Mia: Jenna are you okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! EEK! (Falls on Jenna)

Sol: Oh yeah, careful back there, the car leaks and the floorboards in the back seat are covered with two inches of ice. ^_^; Now let's go! (Slams on gas)

VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Icy Cake: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! WE"RE GONNA DIE! ToT

Jenna: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OoO

Mia: EAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGHHHHHH! OoO

Sol: Don't worry! I'm an excellent driver! ^____^ (Drives over a hill)

WHAM! CRUNCH!

Girls: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OoO!

Sol: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! ^_____^ (Turns on radio)

Radio: Driving through the snow! Is a rusty Cheverly, over the hills we go! Sliding all the way!

Sol: I love this song! ^-^

Icy Cake: YOU'RE INSANE! o

Sol: Not insane, just misunderstood! ^-^ (Slams on gas pedal)

Girls: OoO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**_(Somewhere outside)_**

Kain: La de da da…I need a tree so Sol wont be mad at me…la de dah da…huh?

(He sees a very odd red sleigh with reindeer on it)

Kain: MONSTERS! (Draws Sword)

Rudolph: O.O

Kain: DIE!

Rudolph: . (Takes a martial arts pose)

Kain: (Blinks) Eh…

Rudolph: Waaaah…poing! (Kicks Kain in the…spot)

Kain: X_X (Is in pain)

(The ground shakes)

Fat man: Fe fi foh fum!

Kain: O.O (Sees a huge fat man with a white beard and red suit) HOLY CRAP! YOU'RE HUGE!

Fat man: _* Shut up! I have a slow metabolism!

Kain: Sure… -_-;;; A really slow metabolism…

Rudolph: Don't talk to Santa like that or I'm gonna kick your @$$ some more! _

Kain: A talking monster!? O.O Err…WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY!?

Santa: Who am I? WHO AM I? I AM SANTA CLAUSE! (Does a heroic pose)

Kain: Santa Clause?

Santa: Yes! Haven't you ever heard of me?

Kain: No.

Santa: WHAT!? T-T No one loves me anymore… I deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls of the world!

Kain: Oh really? Why didn't I get any presents! _

Santa: Well…what's your name?

Kain: Kain.

Santa: HOLY $#!^! HIDE! (Santa and his deer dive behind his sleigh, Santa holds up a crucifix) Be gone demon!

Kain: …Huh? I'm not a demon…why're you frightened?

Santa: (Throws a huge book out onto the snow) Here! THAT'S YOUR RECORD!

Kain: (Picks up record and opens it) Hmm…pictures of my parents…after I gave them rat poison…my best friend…after I brutally stabbed him to death…my math teacher…died in a mysterious car bomb accident…Jenny my high school girl friend… O.O She lived!? Damn…I knew I should have dug a few more feet! She must of clawed her way out of the box… _* Next time I'll use a steal box so she can't gnaw her way out!

Santa: Err…as you can see you've been a VERY bad boy…

Kain: I WANT A PRESENT! _ GIMME OR DIE!

Santa: EEP! (Throws Kain a lump of coal) HERE!

Kain: … (Picks up coal) …Is this…mine?

Santa: (Is shaking.) Y yes…

Kain: THANK YOU SANTA! (Hugs Santa and cries on his shoulder) No one has EVER given me a present! (Cries) I LOVE YOU SANTA!

Santa: Uh…okay… (Is aware that a psychopathic killer is hugging him)

Kain: **Sniffles** Can I have more presents?

Santa: Uh…sure… (Gives Kain a huge bag of coal)

Kain: ToT THANK YOU SANTA! (Has an emotional breakdown)

Santa: Uhhh… -_-; Sure…any day… Now I gotta go…if I don't deliver these presents my wife will beat my @$$ again… (Cries)

Rudolph: There, there Santa. (Pats his back) You know she loves you… (Rolls eyes)

Santa: Really? **Sniff**

Rudolph: Err…yeah…

Blitzen: **Cough** She loves him about as much as Comet loves me…

Comet: Shut your mouth Blitzen! _ (Slaps him)

Blitzen: Owwwwwww! T-T Sorry sugarplum…

Comet: Don't sugar plum me! I saw you eyeballing that slut Dancer!

Dancer: I'm not a slut! _

Comet: Are to! _

Blitzen: Now girls…

Comet&Dancer: SHUT UP! _*

Rudolph: I am sooooo glad I'm not married… (Eyeballs Blitzen)

Blitzen: O.O Errr…hi Rudolph…

Rudolph: ^__^ Hello Blitzen… (Smacks his…err…rear…)

Blitzen: YAGH! _ What the %!@$ are you DOING!?

Rudolph: **winks** Oh…nothing…

Kain: O.O Is Rudolph gay?

Rudolph: **cough** The CORRECT term is "homosexual."

Kain: O.O;;; Err…

Rudolph: _ YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT!?

Santa: Now Rudolph…calm down…

Rudolph: I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! _*

Comet: O.O (Hides behind Blitzen)

Dancer: Err…yoink! (Hides behind comet, who is hiding behind Blitzen, who is hiding behind Santa, who is hiding behind the sleigh, who is hiding behind…you get the idea…)

Kain: Err…I didn't mean to be offensive, it's just that I never expected a deer to be a fairy…

Rudolph: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!? _* (Is wrapping a random piano wire around his hooves)

Kain: Uh I mean… ……… LOOK AT THAT! A CUTE GUY DEER, WITH LONG BLOND FUR!

Rudolph: OoO!? WHAT! WHERE!? (Spins around) I LOVE BLONDS!

Kain: Yoink! (Grabs his bag of coal and runs away, fast)

Rudolph: I don't see a… (Spins around) DAMMIT! _* I'LL KILL HIM!

Blitzen: We have a job to do!

Rudolph: I DON'T CARE! STAND ASIDE!

Santa: -_- Rudolph, I'll let you lead my sleigh…

Rudolph: O.O Really!?

Santa: …Yes…

Other Deer: Ewwwwwwwww…

Santa&Rudolph: SHUT UP! _*

Other Deer: O.O Right away sirs! (They salute)

**_(The mall)_**

Sol: Hit brakes) Weeeeeeeeeee! (Car slides and rolls into a parking spot)

Icy Cake: (Her hair is messed up and she's covered with snow) Is…it…over?

Jenna: Is lying unconscious on top of Mia in the back seat)

Mia: Get off! (Wiggles)

Dodonpa: (Coming out of the mall, he has lots of presents in his arms, and he just happens to see Jenna on top of Mia in a very… **cough** suggestive position… O.O (Drops his gifts, breaking glass is heard)

Mia: Off…eh? (Blushes) It's not what it looks like!

Dodonpa: **Drools** I don't care…it looks like what it looks like… @_@

Mia: _ You…GET OFF DAMMIT! (Continues to wiggle)

Dodonpa: Oh yeah…that's good… (Is standing in a puddle of drool)

Sol: Eh? O.O!? Jeez Mia! Not in my car!

Icy Cake: Huh? O.O!? MIA!? (Covers eyes)

Mia" It's not what it looks like! o

Jenna: Ugh…Felix… (Grabs Mia's head)

Mia: Huh?

Jenna: KISS ME! (Kisses)

Mia: O.O MURPH! MURAGH! (Thrashes)

Jenna: **SMACK** I LOVE YOU FELIX! (Kisses)

Mia: (Turning blue) Murgh…wheeze…

Sol: O.O Err…Couldn't you guys have done this AFTER the show? THIS IS LIVE DAMMIT!

Icy Cake: -_-; Jenna…WAKE UP! (Pulls out flamethrower)

Sol: NOW WHAT A SEC! I NEED THIS CAR!

Dodonpa: (Has fainted)

Jenna: (Kisses)

Mia: (Is pale…err…more pale…)

Icy Cake: o THAT"\'S IT! DIE! **FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!**

Car: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Debris: Clank! Clunk! Smash! Shatter! Ect!

Sol: (In a snow pile) My car… T-T

Icy Cake: ^__^ Car? That thing wasn't worthy of being called a car!

Jenna&Mia: X_X

Sol: -_-;; (Cast revive)

Jenna: Ugh…what happened?

Sol: That is better left unsaid…

Mia: @_@ Is it over?

Icy Cake: Yes.

Mia: I thought I was going to die for sure… (Looks at Jenna) YOU SLUT! I'LL KILL YOU! o

Sol: (Pulls out a pair of sun glasses and gives em to Icy Cake)

Icy Cake: Thanks! ^__^

Sol: No problem. (Pulls out one of those men and black things) Now then. **FLASH!**

Mia: @_@

Jenna: @_@

Sol: Okay, you and Mia never kissed, my car never existed… **sigh** Anything else?

Icy Cake: Umm…nope! ^__^

Sol: Oh yeah, live long happy lives and all that crap. (Snaps the Men in Black thing shut)

Mia: Whoa…ummm...hey we're at the mall! Let's go shopping! ^__^

Jenna: Yeah! SHOP! WOOT! (Runs into store followed by Mia)

Sol: …

Icy Cake: … (Looks at Sol with pleading eyes)

Sol: …

Ice: T-T

Sol: -_-; Fine, go fulfill your feminine desires and shop until you drop…

Icy Cake: YAY! (Runs into the Mall)

Sol: I guess that leaves me all alone to get groceries… T-T No body loves me… (Walks into grocery store)

**_(The attic)_**

Garet: Decorations1 we are gonna get some decorations Ivan! ^__^

Ivan: _ I know I know! You've told me fifty times already!

Garet: Oh...I have?

Ivan: Yes!

Garet: Okay…

Ivan: **Sigh** …

Garet: Hey Ivan!

Ivan: What?

Garet: Were gonna get some decorations! ^_^ Shiny decorations!

Ivan: _* (Is wanting to stab Garet with his tiny sword)

Garet: Where do we find some decorations anyway?

Ivan: Uh…in a box?

Garet: Really? (Grabs a box and shakes it)

Box: Murph!

Ivan: O.o!?

Garet: …This must be a decoration!

Box: (Shakes) Murph!

Ivan: Uh…I think you should put the box down Garet…

Garet: Nah! I wanna see the decoration! (Opens box)

BLAM! ( A blond haired sword wielding plushy out of the box) Hewwo! ^-^

Ivan: OoO!? AHHHHHHHHHHHH! A DEMON POSSESED PLUSHIE! (Screams and runs in circles)

Garet: Oh it's so cute! ^_^ (Hugs plushy)

Plushy: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii! ^__^

Ivan: o Garet! Put it down! It's possessed!

Plushy: T-T No I'm nowt!

Garet: ^__^ I thought decorations were shiny…

Ivan: Err…they are… (Looks at box) O.O Uh…Garet…put the plushy back in the box…

Garet: Why? It's cute! ^__^

Ivan: It's…a present…for someone… (Looks at tag on plushy) OoO!? And it's expensive! PUT IT BACK!

Garet: Awww…

Plushy: T-T Awww… (Jumps back in he box) The decowations are behind the midget guw… (Closes box)

Ivan: o I am not a midget!

Plushy: Whatever…

Garet: Awww… T-T He was a cute plushy too… ^__^ Oh well! Decorations! (Grabs Ivan and the decorations)

Ivan: AGH! O LET GO!

Garet: Uh…okay… (Drops)

Ivan: **THUMP!** Owwwww!

Decorations: **SMASH!**

Ivan: …

Garet: …

Decorations: ~Owww…~

Ivan: YOU BROKE THE DECORATIONS! _

Garet: They break? O_o?

Ivan: -_-; Yes…THEY BREAK!

Garet: WE CAN MAKE NEW ONES! ^_^ (Grabs the box) Let's go!

Ivan: …T-T I hate my life…

Garet: ^_^ Come on Ivan, we don't have all day! Bye Plushy!

Plushy in a box: Murph!

Ivan: What? (Leans in front of box)

Plushy: RARGH! (Jumps out and pummels Ivan before stuffing him in the box)

Ivan in a box: MURPH!

Plushy: ^_^ Hewwo again!

Garet: HI! ^__^ Did you see where Ivan went?

Plushy: Nope! (Stabs his sword into the box)

Ivan in a box: Murph! Murrrgh…

Plushy: _ (Stab again)

Ivan in a box: ……cleigh……

Plushy: _ (Stabs ten more times)

Ivan in a box: …

Plushy: I'll help you since Ivan left! ^__^

Garet: Okay! ^__^

Ivan in a box: … ~Owww… O.O I've been circumcised! T____T~

**_(A random room)_**

Picard: I love my luscious hair! My beautiful hair!

Alex: Well, GIRLS love my hair, so do guys! ^_^

Picard: O.o Uh…that's…nice…

Voices: Jingles bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to…

_…silence…_

Picard: … ?

Alex: … ?

**WHIP! CRACK!**

Voices: AEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Alex: -_- That would be Kraden…

Picard: (Looking out the window) …Wow he got them undressed really quickly…

Alex: Really? Let me see! (Looks out window)

Kraden: Faster me hearties! HAHAHAHAHA!

Carolers: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO FASTER! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Alex: Is he…

Picard: I think he is…

Alex: He making them slide down that hill on their rears? O.o

Picard: Yup…must be cold out there…

Caroler **RIP!** AGH!

Alex: OWWWW! That must have hurt…

Picard: **Nods** Never stick bare skin on ice when it's forty below outside…

Kraden: HAHAHAHAHA!

Carolers: PLEASE! NO MORE!

Alex: Uh…maybe we should make some snow?

Picard: Yup! ^_^ How much?

Alex: Lots, make it quick, I need to perk my hair again…

Picard: Snow coming up! (Uses psynergy)

Kraden: EH? I got dark awful quick… EEP!

Carolers: AGH!

**THUMP!**

Kraden: MURPH! MURGH! **POP!** The hell?

Carolers: …murph…mmmm…gack…

Kraden: Awww…DAMN IT! I WANTED TO HAVE SOME MORE FUN!

Alex: Uh…I can't see out the window Picard…

Picard: You said you wanted snow! You got it!

Alex: -_- Kraden, stop pressing your face on the glass and look for a door.

Kraden: (Has his ugly, leather bound old man body stuck to the window) :p

Picard: -_- Freeze…

Kraden: Urk! (Is frozen)

Alex: Better! ^__^

(**_Somewhere…in the house)_**

Menardo: It's that time of the year again!

Issac: ?

Menardo: The time of LOVE cutie! ^___^ **Hugs** And looks who's under the mistle toe!

Issac: O.O!? (Is under mistle toe) …

Menardo: Give me a kiss!

Issac: (Shakes head) O.O!!!

Menardo: MMMMMMM… (Kisses)

Issac: O.O!

**POW!**

Menardi: (Kisses, is now…normal… **Shudders**)

Issac: O.O!!!! OoO!!!! (Try's to run away, you would to if you were kissing her!)

Menardi: What's wrong sweetie? Eh? (Looks down) Dammit! T-T I'm…normal! (Cries)

Issac: (Runs away and begins to peel off his face with a cheese grater)

**_(The fireplace)_**

Saturos: Okay! Start a fire! Easy! ^_^

Babi: …

Saturos: (Grabs Babi's coffin and throws it into the fire place.

Babi: …

Saturos: Add some gasoline… (Pours on some gasoline)

Babi: …

Alex: (Walks in) EH? Saturos…what's that smell?

Saturos: I was just getting ready to light the fire, wanna watch?

Alex: Yeah! (Sits down in front of the fire place)

Saturos: ^_^ Actually, here's a match, you can light it, just wait for me to step back… (Gives Alex the matches and runs away, diving behind a desk)

Alex: ^o^ Yay! (Lights match)

…

……

………

KAFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

**_(Outside)_**

Kraden: EH? (Looks at chimney as a house jet of fire burst out of it, blowing the top off of the chimney and launching Babi's coffin into the air)

Babi: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………………………………………………. *

Kraden: Pretty!

**_(Somewhere else)_**

Kain: Eh? A shooting star? (I watching Babi's flaming coffin soar through the air) ^-^ Cool! I wonder if Santa can see this…

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! AGHHHHHHHHHH! **CRASH!**

Kain: Oh…Santa got a close view! ^_^

(The flaming corpse of one of his deer lands in front of Kain)

Kain: Ohhh, Sol shouldn't have gone to the store. ^_^ Cause we're having veal tonight! WOOT! (Takes a bite of Deer) Ohhh…just like chicken!

Santa: (On fire) AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Kain: O.O Wow! It's like something out of some sick fanfic… ­_­ Oh yeah…never mind… -_-

Santa: ARGH! (Is burning)

**_(The fireplace)_**

Saturos: Wow… ^_^ Cool!

Alex: (Hair has been blasted off, his face is black an all he's wearing is a pair of burnt boxers) Owwwwwwwww… **Thump!**

Alex Fan girls: OoO!? ALEX! NO! OUR HONEY BUN! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Saturos: Bah! Who cares, besides, he is in his boxers… ^_~ Doesn't that account for something?

Alex Fan girls: (Drool) Boxers…

Alex: OoO! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! FAN GIRLS! (Runs away)

Alex Fan girls: CATCH HIM! (They give chase)

**_(The air above)_**

(The grocery store)

Sol: **pants** (Is pushing five carts of groceries) This…isn't…funny…

Random person: HAHAHAHA! Look at him! Shoving all those carts! Weak kid! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sol: _ SHUT UP! (Lets go of cart, it rolls back and all five carts roll over him)

Random person: HAHAHAHAHA! (Points) Shrimp!

Sol: Owww…if I could move I'd kill you…

Random people: Wow…look at him…

Sol: o I'm not a friggin exhibit!

Random People: (Poke him with sticks)

Sol: T-T I don't get any respect…

Manager: Eh? Sir…please get off the floor. (Is an ugly woman)

Sol: I'm trying! Get this people away from me!

Manager: You expect us to empty the store for you!?

Sol: No! Just get them away from me! They keep poking me with sticks!

Manager: Obviously they want you to MOVE! _

Sol: Owww… (Peels himself off the floor) Sorry… **glares**

Manager: :p Bug off goggle boy!

Sol: _ They're sun glasses! NOT GOGGLES!

Manager: On your miniscule head, they look like goggles.

Sol: T-T That hurt…my heads not minuscule…

Manager: FINE! GET GOING BEFORE I HAVE BOBBY JOE TAKE YOU OUT BACK! (Points to a huge guy…with a very weird smile on his face)

Sol: I'm outta here! (Runs carts to checkout stands)

**_(The front of the store)_**

Cashier: Hewwo!

Sol: Err…hello.

Bagger: ^__^ Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! I'm Teddy! And this is Freddy!

Freddy! Gowogowoh! HEWWWWWWOOOOOOO! ^____________^

Teddy: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! ^_____________^

Sol: Erk…um…just…check me out of here, please!

Teddy: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! ^_^

Freddy: Yuuuuuupo! (Begins doing the checkout thing, then throws the groceries on the floor)

Sol: O.O

Teddy: This is fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! (Kicks groceries into the front of the store where they are trampled on by other shoppers)

Sol: … **growls**

Freddy: Donno! ^_^

Teddy: It's all dooooooone! ^_^

Freddy: Thato beo five hundred buckoroonos! ^_^

Sol: OoO!? Five hundred dollars for trampled groceries!? _* NO WAY!

Freddy: …

Teddy: …

Freddy: You be evilo! Gwogohwoh! (Cries)

Teddy: Manager! This customer's being meeeeeeeeeean! (Cries)

Sol: I'M NOT! YOU CRUSHED MY CHRISTMAS GROCERYS!

Teddy: We're not peeeeeeeerfect! (Cries)

Freddy: Gwogohwoh! (Cries)

Manager: You again! _*

Sol: Look ma'am! I dunno who these bakas think they are! BUT THEY JUST CRUSHED ALL MY GROCERYS! AND THEY EXPECT ME TO PAY FULL PRICE!

Manager: _* Those baka are my kids!

Sol: …Err… **whimpers**

Manager: YOU ARE SENTENCED TO CLEANING THE TOILETS! **Poof!** (Sol finds himself in a bathroom with a bunch of cleaning things)

Sol: T-T I didn't do anything… (Lifts lid on a toilet) … OoO!? OH MY GOD! (Slams the lid down and jams it shut with a mop. The lid rattles and shakes.)

Toilet monster: Freeeee meeeee…I won't hurt yooooou….pleeeeease freeeee meeeeee…

Sol: (Pins himself against the wall) **whimpers** It evolved! (He shivers) There is no way I am opening that up!

Toiler monster: Awwwww…I'll do whatever you want…

Sol: …Will you eat the manager and her kids?

Toilet monster: Yeeeees…just please let me out…I've been so lonely…

Sol: **whimpers** Fine, no funny stuff though… (Opens the toilet)

Toilet monster: THANK YOU! (Jumps…err…oozes out) Can I give you a hug?

Sol: NO! _

Toilet monster…I'll call him…Mr. Hanky! ^_^

Mr. Hanky: Awwwww… T-T

Sol: Just do it…pleeeeease? You promised. (Gives the…thing…his best cute look)

Mr. Hanky: Awwwww… (Pinches Sol's cheek) Okay!

Sol: OoO! IT TOUCHED ME!A HHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Pulls out a bottle of emergency bleach and bleaches his face)

Mr. Hanky: Bye! ^__^ (Slithers under the door and unlocks it)

Sol: (Tip toes out of the bathroom, trying to avoid everything Mr. Hanky has touched) This is sooooo gross! :p

**_(The Mall)_**

Jenna: (Is carrying five shopping bags, Mia and Icy Cake are doing the same thing) ^_^ I love my brother so much! I bought him a new wallet!

Mia: A new wallet? Why?

Jenna: I tore up his old one to get enough money to shop! ^_^

Mia: Hehehe, I got Issac's! ^_^ (Holds up Issac wallet) What about you Ice?

Ice: …Well…

Mia: ? Something wrong? You didn't steal that did you!? (Points at Ice's shopping bags)

Ice: Nope! ^__^ But I did get a hold of Sol's credit card!

Mia: Awwwww… T-T You're so lucky…

Jenna: Yeah… T-T

Ice: ^__^ Yup! Now…I got presents for everyone…cept for you two and Sol… What would Sol like?

Mia: A new pair of sunglasses?

Ice: No way! -_-; I don't understand why he wears those things…there's no way I'm getting him another pair though!

Jenna: Ummm… ^_^ I know! A life?

Ice: -_-;

Mia: -_-;

Jena: What? He DOES need one…

Ice: Bah! Go put your stuff away, I'm going to finish shopping.

Mia: OKAY! ^_^ (Skips out of the mall with Mia following)

Icy Cake: Now what can I get Sol?

**_(In a Winter Wonder Land)_**

Kain: I need a tree! A big ol tree… ^_^ And Some more coal too! (Here bells)

People in sleigh: Giddayup! Giddayup! Giddayup, let's go! Let's look at the show! We're riding in a wonderland of snow!

Kain: O.o How atrocious… _ DIE! (Draws sword)

People in sleigh: ARGH! We are dying! Save us! Bleah! X_X

Kain: (Picks up a carol book and flips through it) Hmmm… (See's a whole bunch of carolers) ^_^

Carolers: Our next song will be…Winter Wonder Land!

Kain: Mind if I join in?

Carolers: SURE! ^_^ This is a season of loving lovingness!

Kain: Bleah…how disgusting…can I do a solo?

Carolers: Sure! ^_^

Kain: (Draws sword and coughs) Okay… **SLASH! SWIPE! CUT!**

Carolers: **SPLATTER!**

Kain: Ahem… (Sings in a tenor voice) Drawn blades ring, are you listening? In the lane, blood is glistening. A beautiful sight, I'm happy tonight, walking in a bloody wonderland.

Gone away is the sane man! Here to stay is the mad man. I sing a song as I go along, walking in a bloody wonderland.

In the meadow I can cut up children and pretend that they are old school friends, They'll scream in pain and say "WHY MAN? WHAT'S THE MATTER!? HAVE YOU GONE INSANE!?" I'll say "Heck, kid, I'm having fun, now stand still so I can make the final cut!"

Later on I'll conspire as corpses burn in the fire. To face unafraid the SWAT team brigades, walking in a bloody wonderland.

Drawn blades ring, are you listening? In the lane, blood are glistening. A beautiful sight, I'm happy tonight, walking in a bloody wonderland, Walking in a bloody wonderland, Walking in a bloody wonderland.

Kain: (Is standing in a bloody field amid the corpses of the carolers) **Sigh** It's so beautiful…really brings out the REAL sprit of Christmas… (Walks away to find a tree)

**_(Up above)_**

Santa: (In sleigh, emptying his cookies and milk into an air bag) BLARGH! –o- Why? WHY!?

Blitzin: I thought he did a good job! He kept in pitch, his tone was perfect…and the special effects! INCREDIBLE!

Santa: _ He just wiped out two dozen people!

Blitzen: …Look on the bright side, less people to give presents too! ^__^

Santa: … (Pumps fist in a air) YES! WOO HOO! Remind me to give Kain some more coal!

Vixen: Meh, I just wanna get home…I have deer to seduce! Right Blitzin?

Blitzen: ^__^;; Err…not so loud Vixen… (Is blushing)

Dancer: _

Comet: _

Rudolph: _

Blitzen: -_-;; It sucks being the most attractive of Santa's deer… **sigh**

Rudolph: _ You've been cheating on me!

Comet: O.O

Dancer: O.O

Santa: **Sigh**

Blitzen: _ I never did anything with you! How many times do I have to tell you that you were DREAMING!?

Rudolph: T-T But it felt so real…

Blitzen: -_-;; This is so depressing…

**_(Down Below)_**

Kain: …A TREE! FINALLY! (See's a tree) Now I can get out of here… HI YAH! (Cuts down tree) TIMBER!

Tree: …… (Sways left)

Tree: ………… (Sways right)

Tree: ……………… (Sways backward)

Kain: …………………… OoO!? AGH!

**WHAM!**

Kain under a tree: Owwwwww… **twitches**

**_(The grocery store)_**

Sol: It's so quiet…

Manager: AGH! GET AWAY YOU DIRTY THING!

Freddy: GWOGOGHWOH! T-T

Teddy: MOMMY! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Sol: O.o?

Mr. Hanky: T-T That hurt my feelings… WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Manager: Awwww…I'm sorry. (Hugs Mr. Hanky)

Teddy: O.o …

Freddy: O.o …

Manager: …You smell funny…

Mr. Hanky: _ WHAT DO YOU EXPECT! No one cleaned my toilet! But...you gave me a hug! ^__^ (Hugs)

Manager: **Gags**

Sol: **Giggles** Not everyday you find a stink sprit… ^_^ (Walks into the bathroom and closes the door) Now I'll just wait her until everything is over… (Looks at Mr. Hanky's toilet) Err…wouldn't hurt to see what else is in there? (Peeks)

(A hand reaches out of the toilet and pinches Sol's cheek)

Sol: OoO GAH! (Jumps back and begins to re bleach his head)

Hand: I'm a sorry a bought that, you a have any paper?

Sol: P paper?

Hand: YEAH! LIKE A TOILET PAPER?

Sol: Err… (Tosses the hand a roll of toilet paper)

Hand: (Catches it) Thanks! Hey…Can I a ask a you a favor?

Sol: Err… ^_^;;; Sure Mr. Hand in the Toilet…

Hand: Can you a plunge me?

Sol: O.o What the hell kind of favor is that!?

Hand: I've been a trapped in here for years! (Crying is heard from deep inside the toilet) Please plunge a me!

Sol: Promise not to touch me again?

Hand: Hands on my lid, hope to a die!

Sol: -_-;; Okay. (Grabs a plunger)

**SQUISH! PLOP! SQUISH! PLOP! … PFWOOOOOSH!**

Sol: Gah! (Jumps away as man pops out of the toilet with a plunger stuck to his head)

Mario: Me a thank a you kindly! ^__^ (Unsticks plunger from head and hat)

Sol: …Mario?

Mario: That a is my a name! Mario the professional Italian plumber at a your service! (Bows)

Sol: What are you doing here? THIS IS A GOLDEN SUN FIC! _

Mario: As if I had a choice! Bowser ate a me and he stopped a here, you may not a know this but Bowser has a bad constipation problem!

Sol: (Is green) I didn't need to know that… -_-

Mario: Well you a know, now I will be on my a way! (Launches himself into another toilet and flushes)

Sol: O.O?

Mario: See a you later odd goggle kiddo! Bye, bye! Weeeeeeeeeeee! (Is flushed)

Sol: _ They are not goggles! (Tears off sun glasses and smashes them beneath his foot) They are not goggles! …Uh… (Looks down) T-T Now everyone will know I have blue eyes… T-T

Random toilet monster: As if anyone cared.

Sol: o SHUT UP! (Stomps out of the bathroom and grabs some new groceries)

Mr. Hanky: ^_^ Hey goggle… O.O Whoa! They're gone! …COOL! ^_^ You have eyes!

Sol: **Growls**

Mr. Hanky: Sorry…uh, miss Manager, give the groceries to goggle boy on the house!

Manager: Murph! (Is wrapped in toilet paper with her kids)

Sol: Thanks Hank! I hope you find…err…someone…a friend…or…something… (Runs out of the store, jumps in car with Jenna and Mia and drives away as fast as possible)

Icy Cake: (Covered in slush on the side of the road) _* Sol…you…are…so…DEAD! (Her packages have been set on fire cause she's so mad, also she's completely dry cause al the snow and slush has melted off of her…in other words…she is ready to blow) DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! (Begins following)

**_(At house, err…at the snow pile that was a house)_**

Sol: O.o It's buried…I was sure I left it here…GAH! (Falls through the snow) *THUMP!* OWWWW!! _ THE &@*)!?

Garet: Hi!

Plushy: Hi! ^____^

Sol: GAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF YOUR BOX!? _

Plushy: Uh…he let me out!

Garet: Yup! ^-^

Mia: I wanna drive the car now! (Jumps in the front seat and presses the gas, it goes forward and falls into the hole)

Sol: Now get back in your box or… Eh? (Looks up)

Mia: O0O AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jenna: T0T WE'RE GONNA DIE! 

Plushy: O-o

Sol: OoO!? AGH!

Garet: ^__^ Shiny Headlights!

Sol: -_-;

Plushy: -_-;

**THUMP!**

Sol: …Owwies… (Is jammed under the front of the car)

Plushy: MURPH! (Is jammed into snow)

Garet: Ohhh there's nothing like being jammed under a car, pushed down in the snow!

Sol: I hate you…Owww… (Crawls out from under car)

Mia: Owww…AGH! (Falls out of car, grabs Jenna)

Jenna: OoO EEK! (Falls out with Mia, they land on top of Sol in a VERY suggestive position…)

Sol: Owww, what the… O.O

Mia: Owww… O.o Err…hi…

Jenna: ^_^ Hi!

Sol: Get off! _ As if things couldn't get any worse then this!

Icy Cake: (Appears in the hole) … _* Sol…

Sol: O.O Eep! H hi Icy Cake…

Mia: (Jumps off Sol and hides)

Jenna: (Jumps off Sol and dives into the brutally mangled car)

Garet: (Runs away)

Sol: (Alone with Icy Cake) Err…

Icy Cake: _* (Is melting the snow with her anger)

Sol: Uh…I got you a present! (Garbs plushy) See! ^_^;;

Icy Cake: …It's…

Sol: Cloud from Final Fantasy Seven, your favorite…and he talks too! ^_^ And he has a real sword!

Icy Cake: …

Sol: … ~Is praying in his head~

Icy Cake: ^o^ KAWAII! (Grabs Cloud plushy and snuggles it)

Sol: Whew…

Icy Cake: ^_^ THANK YOU! (Hugs plushy)

Cloud: I wuv you! (Hugs Icy Cake)

Icy Cake: AWWWWWWWWWWW! I wuv you too! (Hugs plushy)

Sol: … T-T Don't I get any credit?

Icy Cake: …You left me at the mall! _

Sol: I did? (Cowers in fear) Since I got you such a nice present you won't hurt me…right?

Icy Cake: I suppose so… ^_^ (Walks insides dragging plushy and her bags of gifts and who knows what else in with her)

Sol: Phew… (Walks into the house) Now I just need to… OoO!? GAH!

Kain: Hi! ^_^ Look at all the presents Santa gave me! (the house is full of coal, the tree has a burning Babi coffin in it, the decorations are smashed and have been glued to the wall…and Alex's boxers are hanging on the top of the tree…)

Sol: …This is one of those moments where I wish I was dead…

Kain: And look! I have Santa here with all his deer! (Points at Santa and his deer)

Santa: Ho ho ho, so this is the guy that's running this show, eh?

Sol: Yes…

Santa: Name?

Sol: Err…Sol Sabre…

Santa: Right, for all the horror I have had to endure you get no presents this year, or next year, or the year after…

Sol: T-T No fair…

Rudolph: _ Be quite blue eyed boy! Or I'll show you the force of Rudolph!

Blitzen: (Whispers in Sol's ear) Yeah, don't piss him off… (Shudders) He made me pick up Santa's pipe with my @$$…

Sol: O.O!?

Icy Cake: …

Santa: As for you. (Points at Icy Cake) Name?

Icy Cake: Icy Cake…

Santa: Oh you have our best record! You get extra presents! ^__^

Icy Cake: ^__^ Really?

Sol: T-T That is so not fair…

Rudolph: _ Shut up baby face!

Sol: **Growls** I am not a baby face…

Santa: -_- I must deliver presents to everyone else now! Farewell, ho ho ho, and all that stuff! (Flies away with deer in his beat up sleigh, he's wrapped in bandages so he's having trouble steering.)

Sol: T-T

Icy Cake: Merry Christmas everyone!

Plushy: Mewwy chwistmast!

Kain: Merry Christmas! Have a bloody new year! ^__^

Sol: …Merry Christmas… T-T

Icy Cake: Oh Sol, I got you a present!

Sol: Really? ^_^

Icy Cake: Yeah, but I was so angry when you left me all alone at the mall that I broke it into a million separate pieces…

Sol: T-T Fate hates me…

Icy Cake: You're just sad cause you didn't get a present…

Sol: T-T

Kain: I'll share some of my coal…

Sol: -_- Err…no thanks…anyway, from everyone on "The Bachlorette…"

Everyone: MERRY CHRISTMAS! AND HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR! ^________^

~Now please review…presents would be appreciated too…please?~ (Is begging) T-T ~Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?~


End file.
